Tonight we celebrated a big event a night early due to vic's preparing to preach on the 20th (he is preaching 2 times that day). I had planned to make links for a construction paper chain to symbolize that we are no longer in bondage to my husband's seizures. However due to illness this week I did not get them made. Instead we went out for supper.
Three years ago on February 19th the day started early for Vic. He had to be at Vanderbilt Hospital at 6:30 if my memory serves me correctly. He was being admitted for surgical epileptic correction. His mom took him in and I was told that an elder and the pastor from church were there and a former Sunday School teacher were there and prayed with him before he went in to prepare for surgery. I dropped Caleb and Simeon off at KidStop-- the drop in child care facility in Franklin, TN. Then I went on to the hospital for the long wait. Vic was finished with surgery somewhere around 2:00pm. He had a terrible headache when it was all done, but as he healed he has had no more seizures. So February 19, 2008 was Vic's first day without a seizure since he was an infant. He has been seizure free since that day-- three years and counting!!!!!
Our nightmare was over and Vic has discovered he can now do things he could never have done before. He is still discovering what he can do. He is coming into his own. As he grows into his place in the world he becomes more confident and happier. It has been very exciting to watch my husband go through this transformation. Our family is growing and changing as he does. We are all happier and better because on February 19, 2008 Vic had this surgery.
Once again PRAISE THE LORD for the deliverance he has shown to Vic and the rest of our family. February 19th is an official holiday at our house.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Filling their love tanks
I have been sick-- really sick. I ache all over, cough, am congested, exhausted, but mostly I hurt all over a lot. I caught this from my boys. They were so clingy while they were sick. Now I have it. I can tell you that while I have been sick I have not given them quite as much quality attention. I can tell in their moods and with Simeon wanting to snuggle tonight that their love tanks are depleted and need some filling.
My kids are like all normal kids who have good days and bad days, good moods as well as bad moods, and good behaviors as well as bad behaviors. Whenever my kids are continually behaving badly I need to stop and ask myself why. I have gotten so much advice from well intending people who will tell me to punish them more. There might occasionally be times when punishing them during their continual bad behavior moments might be the answer, but typically it is not.
Like I said my kids are normal and I think that in this case your kids are like my kids. When their love tanks are full they typically behave well, but when their love tanks get depleted they start to act in not the most wise ways. A full love tank is just as important as any correction or punishment-- possibly even more important. I have noticed an epidemic of children whose love tanks are depleted.
What is a love tank? It is the part of you that feels loved unconditionally, secure because of that love, and just a knowledge that no matter what I can count on being loved. It is a warm fuzzy, an internal hug, a contented satisfaction that you are so important and valuable. Kids need full love tanks.
We try to fill love tanks frequently around here. We eat together at the table-- we set the table to be nice, eat by candle light, use conversation starters, and then read from the book we are reading aloud for school (at the moment it is Little House In the Big Woods). Vic reads them a bed time story and also makes up stories about a character he created named Peanut, the boys and I snuggle, I make them hot chocolate, I have special songs I sing to them, we have special family events, we go for walks...
I am always looking for new ways to fill my kids love tanks. What things does your family do to fill each other's love tanks? Please comment here to share.
My kids are like all normal kids who have good days and bad days, good moods as well as bad moods, and good behaviors as well as bad behaviors. Whenever my kids are continually behaving badly I need to stop and ask myself why. I have gotten so much advice from well intending people who will tell me to punish them more. There might occasionally be times when punishing them during their continual bad behavior moments might be the answer, but typically it is not.
Like I said my kids are normal and I think that in this case your kids are like my kids. When their love tanks are full they typically behave well, but when their love tanks get depleted they start to act in not the most wise ways. A full love tank is just as important as any correction or punishment-- possibly even more important. I have noticed an epidemic of children whose love tanks are depleted.
What is a love tank? It is the part of you that feels loved unconditionally, secure because of that love, and just a knowledge that no matter what I can count on being loved. It is a warm fuzzy, an internal hug, a contented satisfaction that you are so important and valuable. Kids need full love tanks.
We try to fill love tanks frequently around here. We eat together at the table-- we set the table to be nice, eat by candle light, use conversation starters, and then read from the book we are reading aloud for school (at the moment it is Little House In the Big Woods). Vic reads them a bed time story and also makes up stories about a character he created named Peanut, the boys and I snuggle, I make them hot chocolate, I have special songs I sing to them, we have special family events, we go for walks...
I am always looking for new ways to fill my kids love tanks. What things does your family do to fill each other's love tanks? Please comment here to share.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Life in the box
Recently I was in a conversation with someone who asked me when I was going to just act like a normal person. She wanted to know when I was going to think and do what everyone else does. My answer to her was that she should not waste her time waiting for that to happen. I am not an inside the box thinker-- in fact almost none of my thinking is inside the box. It goes against my nature-- I would not be truly being myself if I lived my life inside the box of how most everyone else does things.
I am a full time therapist who also homeschools my children, cooks from scratch, does not find shopping recreational, is working toward becoming debt free, my family is building a business and are taking a familypreneur approach,. We eat at the table almost every night, we make sure we have good family time and limit our outside activities to accomplish that family time. We believe that children are to be not only parented, but discipled by their parents. We do not use credit cards (we don't even have a credit card) and if we can not pay cash for it then we don't buy it. May be one of the things that gets me seen as strange more than anything else is that I plan to quit my job once the family business can pay the bills and be home full time with my children. I believe in the traditional roles of husband as provider and wife as homemaker as well as mother to the kids. Then there are my parenting ideas. I believe that the parents should meet the relational needs of their kids, that kids should actually get to have a childhood instead of having to grow up so fast. That it is the job of the parents to actually take care of their children and not just making sure they are taken care of. I believe that parents should be the ones that teach their children the value system of the family-- even if it not politically correct. I also believe it is the parents job to make sure their kids get an education whether they are homeschooled, go to private or public school and not the job of the school.
Those are just a few of the things we do that might be against the norm of society. There are some other things that would be considered different in other places we have lived, but would not be considered abnormal here in Jasper County. Things like hanging our clothes out to dry when the weather permits or not using our air conditioner, but opening the windows instead. Also gardening, canning, and taking our own trash to the dump instead of hiring a service to do it for us.
Life inside the box seems so confining to me. I also think that if we confine ourselves to life inside the box then we become "of the world". Jesus told us to be in the world, but not of it. I truly do not feel I could live the life God is calling me to live if I lived life inside the box. One of the benefits I find is that there is peace in my heart and peace in my home living outside the box. We lived inside the box and were miserable. Now we are happy.
One of the draw backs to life outside the box (to some anyway) is that there is criticism. Often times others offer their opinions about what you are doing wether you asked for their opinion or not. Vic and I have learned to just say "Thanks for the input." It seems obsurd to me that many of these people think they actually get a vote in how we live our life. Then there are the looks others give when they just can not understand why you would choose to save for a big purchase instead of finance it or that we would rather start a business than work for someone else. The biggest thing I get strange looks for is the fact that I plan to quit my job when our family is finally able for me to.
I often here things like this-- in today's society a family has to have two incomes to make a living. My answers is that it depends on what you think you have to have. If you want a large home, weekend shopping for entertainment, fancy vacations, go out to eat a lot, and big cars then yes you do need two incomes to live. Those are not goals for my family.
Evaluate for yourself. If you think that life in the box is right then by all means you can live that way, but my family will continue to live outside the box.
I am a full time therapist who also homeschools my children, cooks from scratch, does not find shopping recreational, is working toward becoming debt free, my family is building a business and are taking a familypreneur approach,. We eat at the table almost every night, we make sure we have good family time and limit our outside activities to accomplish that family time. We believe that children are to be not only parented, but discipled by their parents. We do not use credit cards (we don't even have a credit card) and if we can not pay cash for it then we don't buy it. May be one of the things that gets me seen as strange more than anything else is that I plan to quit my job once the family business can pay the bills and be home full time with my children. I believe in the traditional roles of husband as provider and wife as homemaker as well as mother to the kids. Then there are my parenting ideas. I believe that the parents should meet the relational needs of their kids, that kids should actually get to have a childhood instead of having to grow up so fast. That it is the job of the parents to actually take care of their children and not just making sure they are taken care of. I believe that parents should be the ones that teach their children the value system of the family-- even if it not politically correct. I also believe it is the parents job to make sure their kids get an education whether they are homeschooled, go to private or public school and not the job of the school.
Those are just a few of the things we do that might be against the norm of society. There are some other things that would be considered different in other places we have lived, but would not be considered abnormal here in Jasper County. Things like hanging our clothes out to dry when the weather permits or not using our air conditioner, but opening the windows instead. Also gardening, canning, and taking our own trash to the dump instead of hiring a service to do it for us.
Life inside the box seems so confining to me. I also think that if we confine ourselves to life inside the box then we become "of the world". Jesus told us to be in the world, but not of it. I truly do not feel I could live the life God is calling me to live if I lived life inside the box. One of the benefits I find is that there is peace in my heart and peace in my home living outside the box. We lived inside the box and were miserable. Now we are happy.
One of the draw backs to life outside the box (to some anyway) is that there is criticism. Often times others offer their opinions about what you are doing wether you asked for their opinion or not. Vic and I have learned to just say "Thanks for the input." It seems obsurd to me that many of these people think they actually get a vote in how we live our life. Then there are the looks others give when they just can not understand why you would choose to save for a big purchase instead of finance it or that we would rather start a business than work for someone else. The biggest thing I get strange looks for is the fact that I plan to quit my job when our family is finally able for me to.
I often here things like this-- in today's society a family has to have two incomes to make a living. My answers is that it depends on what you think you have to have. If you want a large home, weekend shopping for entertainment, fancy vacations, go out to eat a lot, and big cars then yes you do need two incomes to live. Those are not goals for my family.
Evaluate for yourself. If you think that life in the box is right then by all means you can live that way, but my family will continue to live outside the box.
Remembering Days Past-- February 11, 2003
Actually I should have posted this one yesterday. However, yesterday was so busy I did not have the opportunity.
February 11, 2003 was the day the doctor told me I was pregnant. It was a true surprise. I had been told I was not going to be able to get pregnant. I wanted children, but had come to peace with the fact that I was not going to have children. So, I had chosen a demanding career to invest that nurturing part of me into. So now to my total surprise here I was going to have a baby. This story does not have a happy ending though. Three days later I realized something was wrong. Then I was on and off of bed rest. The prognosis went from "We think you are going to lose this pregnancy" to "We think you are going to carry this pregnancy to term", then back to "We think you are going lose this pregnancy." It was an emotional roller coaster and the fact that the doctor's office staff kept referring to this child as a pregnancy only made it worse. I am prolife so to me that means this is a baby at the moment of conception-- not just a ball of cells as the doctor referred to this child.
Then on February 27th I lost the baby. I know a lot of women experience feelings of guilt when they have a miscarriage. This was not my experience-- I never felt like it was my fault. I did however feel angry and cheated. See I thought this was my one and only chance to have a baby and it was now gone. I was ticked at God over the matter. In my mind I was thinking things that in my mind were hypocritical. I wanted to know why God would do this to me. I had accepted the fact that I was not going to have children (even though I wanted children more than I wanted air to breathe) and so He allows me to get pregnant then takes the baby. How could God dangle a carrot in front of me like a Greyhound dog in a race? How could God tease me in such a cruel way? These were not the most theologically correct thoughts, but that was how I was feeling. Then to make matters worse I had 8 pregnant clients-- 7 of which got to have their babies and they did drugs in thier pregnancies. Why did they get to have their babies and I didn't? I had many why questions. I knew I was not going to get answers to them this side of heaven, but they were there. Then there were the empty arms to deal with. This was complicated by the fact that my husband's grand mal seizures had only returned the month before and that his seizures were escalating at that time and we had a huge financial blow at the same time.
I was so blinded by the pain. The pain does not completely leave-- there just comes an acceptance and over time moving on becomes easier. Since I can't see the future I did not know that I would have children. God knows our future and he knows best. That fact does not diminish the pain. Through losing this baby (whom we named Robin Lee) and then going on to have two children after being told that I could not have children has helped me come to learn that I can trust in the fact that God knows the beginning from the end of all matters. He can be trusted.
I have many times thought about what life would be like had Robin Lee been born. First of all we likely would not have Caleb. I would have been nursing Robin at the time Caleb was concieved so likely we would not have him and I can not imagine life without him. Then there were times before Caleb and Simeon were born that having an infant might have been more than I could bear. One of Vic's biggest seizures happened in September, 2003 and Vic was in the hospital for several days-- this would have been right at the time I would have been due to deliver. Then there was another time when off Pennyrile Parkway Vic had a seizure while I was driving us home from Thanksgiving. I am not sure how I would have handled a two month old in a hospital in a town I was not familiar with. There are other times when I get sad when I experience something with my boys and wonder how much joy having Robin Lee there would be. However, God felt she needed to be there with him and I needed to be here.
I do look forward to one day seeing her and I know my grandma and Vic's grandparents have gotten to know Robin.
One of the things I have learned through this is that God knows we are dust and that we are going to doubt. We are going to have questions and doubt sometimes. God is big enough for any doubt or question I will ever have. Some would say never to express or ask questions of God. I believe that he already knows that we have them so we might as well ask them. The problem comes when we hold too hard to our doubts and questions instead of holding with all our might to the Lord. If we hold too hard to our doubts and questions we let go of the Lord. He is the source of everything we need. So be open with the Lord, pour your heart out to him, but then hold on to him with all your might no matter what your painful situation is.
February 11, 2003 was the day the doctor told me I was pregnant. It was a true surprise. I had been told I was not going to be able to get pregnant. I wanted children, but had come to peace with the fact that I was not going to have children. So, I had chosen a demanding career to invest that nurturing part of me into. So now to my total surprise here I was going to have a baby. This story does not have a happy ending though. Three days later I realized something was wrong. Then I was on and off of bed rest. The prognosis went from "We think you are going to lose this pregnancy" to "We think you are going to carry this pregnancy to term", then back to "We think you are going lose this pregnancy." It was an emotional roller coaster and the fact that the doctor's office staff kept referring to this child as a pregnancy only made it worse. I am prolife so to me that means this is a baby at the moment of conception-- not just a ball of cells as the doctor referred to this child.
Then on February 27th I lost the baby. I know a lot of women experience feelings of guilt when they have a miscarriage. This was not my experience-- I never felt like it was my fault. I did however feel angry and cheated. See I thought this was my one and only chance to have a baby and it was now gone. I was ticked at God over the matter. In my mind I was thinking things that in my mind were hypocritical. I wanted to know why God would do this to me. I had accepted the fact that I was not going to have children (even though I wanted children more than I wanted air to breathe) and so He allows me to get pregnant then takes the baby. How could God dangle a carrot in front of me like a Greyhound dog in a race? How could God tease me in such a cruel way? These were not the most theologically correct thoughts, but that was how I was feeling. Then to make matters worse I had 8 pregnant clients-- 7 of which got to have their babies and they did drugs in thier pregnancies. Why did they get to have their babies and I didn't? I had many why questions. I knew I was not going to get answers to them this side of heaven, but they were there. Then there were the empty arms to deal with. This was complicated by the fact that my husband's grand mal seizures had only returned the month before and that his seizures were escalating at that time and we had a huge financial blow at the same time.
I was so blinded by the pain. The pain does not completely leave-- there just comes an acceptance and over time moving on becomes easier. Since I can't see the future I did not know that I would have children. God knows our future and he knows best. That fact does not diminish the pain. Through losing this baby (whom we named Robin Lee) and then going on to have two children after being told that I could not have children has helped me come to learn that I can trust in the fact that God knows the beginning from the end of all matters. He can be trusted.
I have many times thought about what life would be like had Robin Lee been born. First of all we likely would not have Caleb. I would have been nursing Robin at the time Caleb was concieved so likely we would not have him and I can not imagine life without him. Then there were times before Caleb and Simeon were born that having an infant might have been more than I could bear. One of Vic's biggest seizures happened in September, 2003 and Vic was in the hospital for several days-- this would have been right at the time I would have been due to deliver. Then there was another time when off Pennyrile Parkway Vic had a seizure while I was driving us home from Thanksgiving. I am not sure how I would have handled a two month old in a hospital in a town I was not familiar with. There are other times when I get sad when I experience something with my boys and wonder how much joy having Robin Lee there would be. However, God felt she needed to be there with him and I needed to be here.
I do look forward to one day seeing her and I know my grandma and Vic's grandparents have gotten to know Robin.
One of the things I have learned through this is that God knows we are dust and that we are going to doubt. We are going to have questions and doubt sometimes. God is big enough for any doubt or question I will ever have. Some would say never to express or ask questions of God. I believe that he already knows that we have them so we might as well ask them. The problem comes when we hold too hard to our doubts and questions instead of holding with all our might to the Lord. If we hold too hard to our doubts and questions we let go of the Lord. He is the source of everything we need. So be open with the Lord, pour your heart out to him, but then hold on to him with all your might no matter what your painful situation is.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Natalie Grant- Our Hope Endures
A friend just shared this song with me. It is so beautiful and fitting. I wanted to share it here with you.
Healing Realization
I shared just a couple of days ago that I had a large meltdown. I also shared some a painful story from years ago when someone said pretty cruel things to me the day I found out I had miscarried a child. I have been trying to figure out why after 8 years I would still have this much grieving going on. I did process the loss, but I seem to go back to this every year. It occurred to me yesterday while I was cooking that this memory is not grief over losing a child. I am sad when I think about Robin Lee, but not devastated any longer. I will never be happy about it and on this side of heaven I do not think I will ever understand why it happened, but I have accepted it. However, I am realizing that up to that point I had always had a strong prayer and support network. That day I felt like I lost that love and support. Also from that point in mine and Vic's lives things got worse-- exponentially worse. The responses from several other Christians in our lives also got exponentially worse-- there were also some that we supportive, but I was pretty blinded by my pain. However, I was blind sided by that woman's statement that night and many others over other situations as well. I realized that what I lately what I have been grieving is the loss of support. It was that night I started to retreat to my island. There were times I would reach out to get off of that island, but hurt seemed to loom there so I would retreat back.
I have missed the safety of supportive Christian people who encouraged and lifted me up when I needed it. I lost that at a time when I needed it so desperately-- some from my own fears and others by actual repsonses from others. After a while the risk of the pain got to be too much so I did not really try to reach out any more.
Two weeks ago I got a healing gift back-- tears. I had not been able to really cry other than a couple of isolated incidents at a couple of church services. Now 8 years later I can cry. I have had plenty to cry about in those 8 years and my not being able to cry stopped a lot of the healing process for me. I have cried a lot in the last two weeks. As I have cried I am finding there is peace and healing behind my tears as well as some understanding and realizing things. I am also finding that I am once again surrounded by loving Christian supportive people.
I think now I can stop pretending I am okay at times when I am not okay-- not wearing emotions on my shirt sleeve either. I think I can learn to once again be true and vulnerable with safe people. I have missed that so much. Somehow the rest of my life does not seem so bad. I don't think my tearful time is entirely over, but I think I did turn a corner.
I hope to never take friendship and fellowship for granted.
I have missed the safety of supportive Christian people who encouraged and lifted me up when I needed it. I lost that at a time when I needed it so desperately-- some from my own fears and others by actual repsonses from others. After a while the risk of the pain got to be too much so I did not really try to reach out any more.
Two weeks ago I got a healing gift back-- tears. I had not been able to really cry other than a couple of isolated incidents at a couple of church services. Now 8 years later I can cry. I have had plenty to cry about in those 8 years and my not being able to cry stopped a lot of the healing process for me. I have cried a lot in the last two weeks. As I have cried I am finding there is peace and healing behind my tears as well as some understanding and realizing things. I am also finding that I am once again surrounded by loving Christian supportive people.
I think now I can stop pretending I am okay at times when I am not okay-- not wearing emotions on my shirt sleeve either. I think I can learn to once again be true and vulnerable with safe people. I have missed that so much. Somehow the rest of my life does not seem so bad. I don't think my tearful time is entirely over, but I think I did turn a corner.
I hope to never take friendship and fellowship for granted.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Meltdown
I had a pretty large meltdown this weekend. Why is it that my whole household stops when I have an issue? We missed church this morning over it. It was a combination of things. First of all I have always had some tendency toward winter time blues. They were not so bad when I worked at the bank as drive up teller and had the big window to let the sunshine in. However, once I started working in the jail and then in an office building those blues have gotten worse. This has been a particularly difficult winter with less sunshine and so much more winter weather. This past week being trapped in the house without human interaction. Add to this that I am entering the anniversary date of my miscarriage.
The miscarriage process for me was a particularly hard time for me and was complicated by many other factors. The first one being the response of others to it as well as the fact that it happened just as Vic's seizures started. I have not been able to grieve either. Humans were not meant to swallow their emotions whole. Those emotions don't heal if they are not addressed either. One of the difficult things for me to deal with and was a precipitator of my meltdown was my remembrance of one of the responses to the loss of this child.
The day the doctor told us that we had lost the baby was a Wednesday. I wanted to go home and go to bed. Vic, however, insisted I go to church that night. That night is a blur to me. I think there were a couple of people who had some sympathetic responses to me that night, but honestly I don't remember much of that night. I do remember going to the women's Bible Study and sitting there in my stunned state. I did not say anything at all. I did not even cry. I was still in too much shock to cry. One woman walked up to me and told me that she had heard about what happened and she did not know why I was upset after all it wasn't a baby yet anyway.
That was a devastating blow to me at a time when I was pretty vulnerable. See even though at that time I was still in too much shock to be in touch with what I wanted or needed or even expected, I did expect and need somethings I was not going to get. I expected one of the older women at church to hug me, let me cry on thier shoulder, and that she would tell me to let it all out and that everything would be okay because I did not feel like things would be okay ever again. The next several years through many events that happened I have longed for another woman in the church to hug me, let me cry, and tell me everything would be okay. I did not get that support though instead I have had many hurtful, demeaning, and insulting things said to me.
I have often heard it said that Christians shoot their own wounded. What does it say to the hurting and dying world of unbelievers out their when we treat our own with disdain and cause more harm at a time when we need compassion and love. We need to lift each other up, get under each others burdens and carry them together. Then reach out to the hurting and dying world we live in. However, when we turn on each other we don't do that. We need to live compassionately and lovingly toward each other.
I had a good friend today who offered me support and acted as the arms of Jesus today. I am so blessed to now have found myself amongst a body of believers and community of homeschoolers who does such a good job of acting as the arms of Christ. Let us all make sure we act as Jesus would to those around us today.
The miscarriage process for me was a particularly hard time for me and was complicated by many other factors. The first one being the response of others to it as well as the fact that it happened just as Vic's seizures started. I have not been able to grieve either. Humans were not meant to swallow their emotions whole. Those emotions don't heal if they are not addressed either. One of the difficult things for me to deal with and was a precipitator of my meltdown was my remembrance of one of the responses to the loss of this child.
The day the doctor told us that we had lost the baby was a Wednesday. I wanted to go home and go to bed. Vic, however, insisted I go to church that night. That night is a blur to me. I think there were a couple of people who had some sympathetic responses to me that night, but honestly I don't remember much of that night. I do remember going to the women's Bible Study and sitting there in my stunned state. I did not say anything at all. I did not even cry. I was still in too much shock to cry. One woman walked up to me and told me that she had heard about what happened and she did not know why I was upset after all it wasn't a baby yet anyway.
That was a devastating blow to me at a time when I was pretty vulnerable. See even though at that time I was still in too much shock to be in touch with what I wanted or needed or even expected, I did expect and need somethings I was not going to get. I expected one of the older women at church to hug me, let me cry on thier shoulder, and that she would tell me to let it all out and that everything would be okay because I did not feel like things would be okay ever again. The next several years through many events that happened I have longed for another woman in the church to hug me, let me cry, and tell me everything would be okay. I did not get that support though instead I have had many hurtful, demeaning, and insulting things said to me.
I have often heard it said that Christians shoot their own wounded. What does it say to the hurting and dying world of unbelievers out their when we treat our own with disdain and cause more harm at a time when we need compassion and love. We need to lift each other up, get under each others burdens and carry them together. Then reach out to the hurting and dying world we live in. However, when we turn on each other we don't do that. We need to live compassionately and lovingly toward each other.
I had a good friend today who offered me support and acted as the arms of Jesus today. I am so blessed to now have found myself amongst a body of believers and community of homeschoolers who does such a good job of acting as the arms of Christ. Let us all make sure we act as Jesus would to those around us today.
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