I do not know what it is exactly that is keeping me awake tonight. It could be the article I want to submit but need to finish, the next writing idea to be written, the stack of books sitting by my bed that call out to be read, or the stack of books on my kitchen table where I am getting curriculum together for the rest of the school year, or may be it is all the new direction I believe the Lord has laid on my heart for this blog.
So much has happened since I decided to take a blogging break in order to catch some things up here at home. I believe the Lord has laid so many things on my heart to share with you this year. I look forward to doing that. This is going to be a great year!!!!
However before I move into 2012, I need to take time to be grateful for some recent things that happened in 2011 over the Christmas holiday. I heard so much talk of Christmas Miracles, I saw movies glorifying Santa Claus as the one responsible for Christmas Miracles. Santa Claus never has been and never will be the one who brings Christmas Miracles. Only the Lord can bring about Christmas Miracles and I believe He gave my husband and I one on Christmas Eve. There were some additional stresses that happened a few days before Christmas that I did not handle very well. To make a long story short, Vic and I were up all night arguing over the situation. That was the first sleepless night of the week leading up to Christmas. There had been one more--Christmas Eve. We did not stay up all night arguing that night. Instead we stayed up all night talking. We had not talked that much at one time since our courtship days. During that time God worked some miracles in our marriage. There had been residual hurts and things unsaid that really needed to be said.
After brain surgery and Vic's brain healed, he had to make new neuropathways in his brain. I was at a place in my own healing where I needed Vic to be there emotionally for me, but his brain had not made the neuropathways necessary for that yet. We had been at this impasse for quite some time. That night my heart was hurting and so was his. Neither of us was sleeping so we ended up talking. I had begged God earlier that very week to cause the neuropathways to be built. That night it seems that they were. Vic also was able to explain to me some things he had wanted to tell me for a long time, but couldn't figure out how to say them. It made some things in our life that had been impassable become passable. Our marriage healed in areas that had been broken for years. That is our Christmas Miracle-- God causing new neuropathways which further healed my husband and bringing healing to our marriage. He is a good God.
I have been thinking a lot over the last few weeks about the amazing position I am in. My husband was thoroughly disabled. He had so many challenges, this brought many challenges to our family. I know what it is like to be the spouse of someone with a disability and now I know what it is like to be the spouse of someone healed from disability. Ever since God brought healing to my husband I have believed that God has something he wants me to do with these experiences. I have believed that I have some responsibilities due to these experiences, but I just have not know what to do with them. As I am enjoying the benefits of this Christmas healing between Vic and I, there have been some thoughts about some good that can come out of the difficult times when my husband was disabled.
I remember when Vic was having seizures all the time, at all kinds of places, and never knowing when the next one would hit. I spent a lot of time confused, scared, devastated, numb, and the myriad of emotions I went through during it all. The thing I remember being the most hurtful was how alone I felt. I went to church leaders when I did not know what to do, but did not get direction. When we switched churches after I shared our circumstances I was asked what they could do to help. I did not really know how to answer that. I had at that time become so accustomed to carrying the burdens alone and there were many lies I believed that were keeping me from experiencing peace and comfort from the Lord. So I did not know how to tell them to best help my family and me more specifically.
I now see as someone on the other side of the situation that what I was longing for was someone to get under my burden with me, to walk along side of me, to let me know that I was not alone. I also have come to realize that many who are living with disabled family members are feeling similar things that I was and need someone to walk along side them to help them with this burden they carry. To help reconnect them with the love of our Heavenly Father. I don't know if you are dealing with a spouses disability, a child's disability, or a parent's disability, or someone else in your family. If so then many of my posts this year will be with you in mind. I believe that God is asking me to reach out to you. That he wants me to speak to you about how to reconnect with Him so that he can lift your burden and make it lighter. You do not have to bear your burdens alone. Let the Lord reach into your soul and heal your tired, worn out heart, and restore your faith and hope.