Turning 40 Ramblings

I turned 40 yesterday.  What a time of reflection.  It is the first time my age hit me, but not too hard.  I do not regret my life or the choices I have made.  What I think hit me so hard is that in my mind my dad was still 40, but last year he turned 60.  So I am realizing that I am the same age I have been thinking of my dad as.  A side note is that a really neat thing is that my dad and I have the same birthday.  I was born on his 21st birthday.  That probably makes it even worse that I did not realize that he was not still 40.  Anyway, turning 40 is not so bad-- I told my sisters and my mom that 40 is the new 20.  So when my sister had a party for my birthday she only put 20 candles on the cake since 40 is the new 20 after all.

So far my 40th year has not been too bad.  Yesterday we all went to church and then went out for lunch with my in-laws.  Then relaxed that afternoon and cleaned the house.  Then we went back to church for our Singing For Missions service (every time there is a fifth Sunday in a month we have a singing service and take up a special offering for a missionary the we support).  At the Singing for Missions Caleb gave me my favorite present of all when he at the last minute decided he wanted to sing.  He chose to sing Amazing Grace and did a really good job for a seven year old who spontaneously chose to sing in front of a group of people.  Then today we did our homeschooling, I got the dishes I have been behind on caught up, washed four loads of laundry, and took time to listen to my frustrated, discouraged husband.  It will rain again someday honey and end this drought then we can go on building some of those dreams we are watching die in the sun and heat.

My favorite part of the day however was when we looked at some skits and videos on You Tube.  We decided as a family we are ready to sing, do some dramas, and may be even some miming at church for some specials.  So we spent some time looking at things we might enjoy doing.  It was fun when the boys had free time today to watch them acting out some of the dramas that they saw.  They seem to have a knack for this.  So we will see.  So far being 40 is not too bad.  Certainly not the old age I used to think it was when I was younger and Caleb says I am not old as well so I must still be young.

Unconfessed Sin and Summer Heat

What do unconfessed sin and summer heat have in common?  According to Psalm 32:3-5 they both sap our strength.

When I kept silent my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped as in the heat of the summer,
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD"---
and you forgave the guilt of my sin.

Today as we are supposed to see triple digits once again I realize that I must keep watch over my thoughts, attitudes, and actions.  The heat really does sap my strength, but sin does even more.  I will continually give myself over the Lord today to rely on HIS perfect strength and his mind on issues.  I will remember to examine my heart before the Lord to make sure that I confess any sin that he chooses to reveal to me.  As I learn to surrender my heart and will to him.  How about you?  Has your strength been sapped?  Examine your heart before the Lord and confess your sin.  If you are experiencing the triple digit heat remember to rely on HIS perfect strength.

 

Yelling: The Cause, The Casualty, The Cure (review)

Yelling!  How does Eternal Encouragement seem to know where my struggle is at that moment?  A few days ago there was an episode of yelling that I find particularly embarrassing.  What made it even worse is that there were two extra children in my home.  I have been babysitting this summer to help with the monetary deficit cause by the Drought of 2012 for my family.  That day I started cooking breakfast and I could not get the task done due to bickering, complaining, whining, nagging, and tattling.  There was literally a time where in five minutes I was interrupted with this a total of ten times.  I corrected the nagging child addressed the bickering, but it was getting worse instead of better.  They were determined to continue in their behavior-- three out of the four.  I felt my frustration building, but no matter how much I addressed them it was still continuing.  I kept resisting yelling, but I finally just lost it.  I yelled at them and made them all lay down in separate places.  I called Vic and vented my frustration to him.  Then I finished cooking breakfast.  It took an hour and forty-five minutes total with all of this going on to cook scrambled eggs, hash browns, and put cereal and milk on the table.  So it was a frustrating morning, but that does not excuse my yelling.  I asked my husband to come home for a long lunch.  Then he saw the issues I was having and he addressed them.  I am not sure why, but sometimes it seems when my husband will address things they improve more.  The sound of the house returned to happy children playing instead of the bickering.

When I saw the review for the Gabby Moms was on the e-book Yelling: The Cause, The Casualty, The Cure by Lorrie Flem I felt a sense of relief as this is exactly what I needed.  In this e-book Lorrie suggests some of the reasons moms yell.  One of the things I found refreshing is that she did not come across in a way that added to the guilt I already feel over the fact that I tend to yell at times.  Instead she offered practical suggestions.  One of them caused my husband and I to talk through some changes we are making in our family life.  We realized that some of our children's temper flare ups and behaviors have been due to them not getting enough sleep.  Also we have realized that some of our temper flare ups have been to our lack of sleep and our whole family needs more time to relax.  So we are slowing down a bit.  This week we made strict bedtimes for our children-- it has even required us to leave events early.  Despite the breakfast incident we have seen a huge improvement in our children.  We also have made some time for us to just "be" with no agenda, just relax.  Vic and I are noticing that overall we feel better as well.  I have not yet implemented some of the other suggestions, but I know they will also help.

If you find yourself yelling as I do then I highly recommend the book Yelling: The Cause, The Casualty, The Cure by Lorrie Flem.  If this sounds like a book that would help you then you are in luck.  The book will be available for free on Kindle July 24-25 only.  You will not want to miss out on this amazing book and you can check that amazing offer by clicking here.  Yelling: The Cause, The Casualty, The Cure is one of many helpful, encouraging resources available at Eternal Encouragement Magazine be sure to check them out.  I know you will find as much encouragement, direction, and guidance as I have.

Disclaimer:  I received Yelling: The Cause, The Casualty, The Cure as a part of the Gabby Moms review program in exchange for my honest review.

Weary

It was a long day today-- it has been a long month of July.  It seems that so much that could cause exhaustion has happened this month.  The heat has been enough to just suck all energy out of a person.  Then I also have 2 boys I babysit this summer.  They really are delightful to have around and they have become friends with Caleb and Simeon.  Every day Simeon will ask if they are coming tomorrow and ussually he is disappointed if they are not coming.  However, it seems this week that everyone has started bickering.  It seems the heat, being cooped up, as well as each others weaknesses are just colliding with each other.  I have found myself often needing to remind myself that they are children.  Then on top of that with everyone constantly inside there are more messes, more creative projects to think of to do together, and we are all tired of things to eat that do not require turning on the oven.  I think all of us are saying that if we eat another cold cut sandwich we just might lose our minds.  God is still blessing us.  He is providing for us and taking care of us. 

Tonight after returning from a trip to the library and buying groceries I told Caleb that I am weary to the bone.  He is seven so he asked me what weary means and I told him.  Then he said, "Mama, I feel the same way, too"  He went to bed.  Tomorrow we have a much slower day and are looking forward to spending the morning with just Caleb, Simeon, and I.  Then the afternoon with my mom, sisters, and my one year old neice.  Then a nice quiet supper as a family.  Caleb thought that sounded refreshing to our souls when I suggested it.  So for now I am going to sleep and rest in the Lord.  I am going to trust my soul into His capable hands and remember Matthew 11:28 "Come all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."  Remember when you are weary to find your rest in the Lord and He will restore you.

A Drought and the Voices In My Head

Okay from the title I do not mean audible voices.  I mean the things we have been told that we play back to ourselves over and over again.  In mental health counseling we refer to those as mental tapes we play in our heads.  I struggle with many of them.  Right now the ones I struggle with are literally the ones that were told to me while my husband was sick.  I was told that his seizures were my fault, that our family's situation was caused by my sin.  Also that God did not care about my family or my children.  I was told that God turned his back on me.  I was so weak and vulnerable that a part of me believed it.  I was told that no matter what I did it would never be good enough and that my family was doomed because of me.  I am not sure where the line of everything that was actually said stops and where the damage of the things being said to me took over.  I do remember being told that the only thing good about me was that I did not leave my husband when he was sick.  The truth is I was giving everything I had to give and it was not good enough-- not nearly good enough.  Then situations improved.  God was setting us up for a miracle-- not condemning me or my family.  My husband was healed from lifelong epilepsy and life long learning disabilities. 

I shared not long ago my reasons for leaving the workforce.  Now I feel so blessed to be home with my children.  I love building relationships with them, being the one to teach them, disciple them, and be a part of their maturation and growing up.  My house is never clean either, but I am not bothered by that because I am tending to the most important things.  I have my children at home for such a short period of time and I am glad that I am not missing this time with them.   I can have a clean house when they are grown and leave home.

Right now we are experiencing a severe drought here in Illinois and the heat wave right now is terrible.  My husband's work has dried up.  So we are looking at what we have to do as a result.  I am babysitting.  He is currently stuffing envelopes for an area insurance agent, but is also applying for part time work at some of the area gas stations.  Meanwhile we are exploring our other options.  He says no way does he want me to get a job outside of our home.  So I am currently working on some things that I can do from home to potentially bring in income.  As we do these things the tapes from a few years ago start playing in my head.  That somehow the drought is my fault, that many are suffering because I am not able to do enough or be enough for our family.  That God really does not love me, but He loves the rest of the world.  That I am just hideous in his sight because of how terribly insufficient I am.  These things are totally false and I know it, but I still fight with them inside.  So as I struggle to quiet the lies inside of me, I pray for rain and watch the radar in anticipation that lately has mostly just led to disappointment.  Once again I will scour the Word for the truth about God's grace, who He says I am, and remind myself to praise Him, then shed an occasional tear.  I apologize for sounding so down, but I just have not had much inspiration due to this struggle going on inside. When I have seasons like this in my soul I tend to pray, scour scripture, and praise Him even though I often do not feel like it.  Today I am thinking of Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future."  Also Romans 8:28 "We know that in all things Christ works together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose."  What do you do in your dark seasons?  What scriptures do you cling to?