Believing In Him

Someone commented a long time ago when I shared about the day I almost left my husband.  She asked me to write an entry about what I would say to the woman who is where I was that day and she is thinking about leaving her husband.  I have tried to do this, but I realize that I am not at a place in my own healing to do that yet.  I will do this when I have healed and the time is right.  Right now for me the time is just not right.

However, I do want to share something I have learned-- the hard way through struggle myself.  It is hard when your husband is supposed to be the leader of your home and he can not be.  My husband could not, but I am so thankful that he is learning to be now and is stepping up to the task.  It makes our family life much more peaceful and both of us have found some emotional healing through the process.  There are many ways we still need to grow in this area.  However, I have learned that if I am a critical wife then proceed to nag him, criticize him, and ride his tail that he does not become a better husband, father, man, or Christian.  There are times when I am disappointed because I wish things were a different way, but that is not unique to my situation.  I would say that all wives likely have some area they would like to be different.  I have learned to take a different approach other than being critical.  I decided to start believing in my husband and expressing that I believe in him.

When I started to take this approach my husband's outlook on life seemed to change.  Our marriage changed, our family life changed.  I noticed that Vic started trying to rise to the occasion.  He started trying to live up to my belief in him.  I never realized how much influence I actually have on him.  So I have started to remind myself to believe in him even when I see him struggling and he is not sure what to do.  I still choose to believe in him, communicate this to him, then seek to encourage him.  He now asks for my insights often when he used to ignore my thoughts and opinions on matters.  It was my attitude and approach toward him that was the problem.  His brain is healing in ways we never thought possible and he is growing in ways we never imagined.  I am very proud of my husband and I make a point to tell him so and try to remember to speak highly of him publicly.  As I watch my husband grow and become all the man God intends for him to be I have my three step process:

1.  Believe in him
2.  Speak encouragement to him
3.  Speak highly of him in public.

This may not be exactly what my commenter was asking for, but this principle I have discovered has been one of the most dynamic principles that has brought positive change in our marriage. 

The Candle In My Kitchen

I have been following a challenge on the blog Women Living Well about making my home a haven.  One of the struggles I have is that sometimes I just quite frankly run out of steam before my day is over.  It is tiring teaching, meeting emotional needs, cleaning up messes, cooking, and the list goes on.  I am not complaining because I love being home and consider it a privilege to no longer have the torn heart of leaving my children all day to build a career that I used to have.  I never had peace and I always new deep down inside that the Lord wanted me home with my children.  That is another topic for another day.  However, now I find myself tired and running out of energy.  I knew that burning candles would soften the home atmosphere and create an ambiance that would cause our home to feel more peaceful.  What I did not expect is what that candle in the kitchen would represent to me nor how it would inspire me and keep me going.  It has brought energy and new vision to my day.  I find that I don't run out of steam even though I am tired at the end of the day, but then I sleep and receive rest.   I am so glad to go in and see that candle burning, then go on to be the hands and feet of Jesus serving my family.  I believe there will be candles burning in my kitchen from now on.

Hot Pad In Fighting Illini Colors

Look at what I learned how to do last week.  Since Caleb absolutely loves the Fighting Illini and Simeon adores our Newton Eagles, I decided to do this in those colors.  We used this hot pad at dinner tonight.  It feels good to be getting out crafts and sewing again.  Crocheting is new for me, but I used to do a lot of crafting and sewing, but for several years life did not allow me the free time to do it.  So now it feels good to finally get it back out and blow the cob webs off the old skills.  I hope to have other things to show you as well.

Back to the Basics

I need to air out my thoughts for a minute and decided to do it this as a post.

One of the blogs I follow is Women Living Well by Courtney Joseph.  Courtney is currently doing a series about making your home a haven.  I decided to take the challenge.  Things were going well, but our home does not feel like a haven right now.  My husband is still discouraged from the drought this year.  He also decided to make a move to add more some year round income to our family.  He has been working toward becoming licensed to sell insurance.  He has now met the criteria for the life insurance producer license, but just barely did not pass one section so he can be licensed to sell health insurance.  Later he will work toward property and casualty.  Selling insurance will be his part time job in addition to his landscaping business (this is the work he truly loves, but is unfortunately seasonal).  He has been discouraged the last few days.  Then I had a couple of things happen that caused me to be up late and not get enough sleep.  Then the stomach flu hit our home first the children and then I had it yesterday and Vic has it today.  Needless to say our home does not feel like a haven right now.  The dishes are backed up, the laundry is in piles (extra piles at that), the house is in disarray, and we are struggling to be cheerful right now.

I had to resign today to the fact that this is a back to the basics kind of day.  This is not a thriving day.  Tomorrow will be and next week will be again, but today as long as the dishes and laundry are caught up and every one is fed then it will be a good day.  Tomorrow as long as whoever is well is clean and has clothes on their bodies makes it to church then every one is fed it will be a successful day.  Then we will start a fresh week Monday.

Sometimes I have such high standards for myself that I beat myself up when I can't live up to my ideals.  I have struggled with that since Wednesday.  This morning however I decided that the minimum is okay once in awhile, but I certainly do not want to live mediocre all the time.  So it is a back to the basics kind of weekend.

Confidence

There are a few posts I have started over the last few months, but have not been able to finish.  It seems like every thing goes wrong when I try to write them.  This post is one of them.  Today was no exception.  The last couple of days have worn me out.  This morning I was awakened before my alarm to "Mom, I'm sick".  He had the stomach flu and it was all over the bathroom floor.  He was put to rest on the couch and was told to rest.  Then my husband has a big test tomorrow and I was helping him review and an area in my life that still needs to heal all of sudden came gushing out.  I have been sensing the Holy Spirit leading me to talk about this subject and these circumstances happen every single time I begin this particular post I believe there is someone out there who needs to hear it who will stumble upon it.  Ephesians 6:12 says, "For our struggles are not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms"  So I decided that after numerous attempts that no matter what I am going to write this post.

After spending several years working in the areas of substance abuse and mental health, I can tell you that one of the issues I faced is that many mental health issues are actually spiritual issues.  I am not saying all, nor am I saying that no one should take psychotropic medications, see psychiatrists, psychologist, or counselors.  I think there is a place for them and that God uses them.  However, often times there is a spiritual problem being treated as a mental problem.  I also have found that by applying God's Word, and then accepting and working his character into our lives that one can find great healing.  I want to put a disclaimer here that if you are recovering from incest or rape or are trying to put together your marriage after an affair, you are suicidal or homicidal, or that you are going through an issue that you are just not getting better from applying God's Word then you need to seek additional help from a competent Christian counselor.

However, God's Word is his love letter to us and I have found it is the most healing thing one can experience.  One day in my devotion time I came across the verse :

Psalm 71:5 "For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth."

Then I found:

Proverbs 3:25-26 "Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence."

The word confidence kept jumping off the page at me.  So I decided to look up what confidence actually means.  Confidence according to the Webster Dictionary means "a state of trust or intimacy".  I then realized that I had let go of my confidence in the Lord in the middle of pain a long time ago.  So I decided to look up the word trust so that I could understand better what I had let go of and trust means "to rely on the truth of" or another definition is "assured reliance on the character, strength, or truth of someone or something."  I then decided that if Scripture says God is trustworthy then I needed to know what that meant as well.  So according to Webster's Dictionary trustworthy means "worthy of confidence".  Just reading and recording these definitions was enough to make me cry and I had not even applied the definitions to the Scriptures yet. So I that point I confessed my sin that I have let my faith get distracted and that I had let go of my confidence in the Lord.  I remembered back to times when my faith was stronger and my intimacy with the Lord was so much closer.  I realized my sin of letting go of confidence in the Lord.  Then I decided to apply these definitions to the verses.

I looked at Psalm 71:5  and started to paraphrase using the definition hoping I would see ways to apply this to my life.  This is what I came up with: "For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my closest friend and one in whom I trust with my life since my youth."  Then I decided I needed to have a better grasp on the word hope.  So Webster defines hope as "desire by expectation for fulfillment" or "one that gives promise for the future".  So then I re-paraphrased Psalm 71:5 "For you have been the one gives me promise for the future, O Sovereign Lord, my closest friend and one in whom I trust with my life since my youth."  I realized that I had an expectation of God and He did not live up to it.  That his plan for my life meant some things I did not want to walk through.  I doubted his character, strength, and that he was indeed truth.  My problems seemed bigger than God when I let go of these things.  So I realized in my devotion time that July morning that I needed to refocus where I was hoping if my confidence in the Lord were to ever be restored.  I can come up with many excuses, but ultimately the buck stops with me.  I let go of that confidence.  So I realized that I needed to set my eyes on the Lord once again and on his goodness.

Then I looked at Proverbs 3:25-26 and replacing definitions of words it paraphrased, "Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your close friend whom you can trust during your life."  No matter what kind of times we face we know that he is with us, he loves us, and is near to us.  In YWAM's Discipleship Training School we were taught a definition for God's love is God acting in our best interest in every thing at all times.  So I need to trust the Lord to act in my best interest even when I thought it was a horrible thing happening to me.  Once again I saw how I had been holding onto what I thought was best and right, but the one who loves me and created me was right there saying, "This is what is best for you please just trust me."

I expect my children to trust me.  Often they fight me when I know I am acting in their best interest.  However, they do not always believe me.  Caleb has had difficulty learning to read and would resist.  However, a couple of weeks ago we were out somewhere and he read the words on a store front sign aloud to me.  Then it clicked that reading was for everyday life and he has for the last couple of weeks been excited to read to me.  Sometimes when we don't understand we have to choose to trust.  In time we may just see how God used that situation.  I decided to tell the Lord about the hurt in my heart from the times I felt he had acted in an untrustworthy manor, then I left them at the cross, and then chose to trust him.  He met my efforts and has helped me to trust.

What about you?  Do you need to let go of pain, turn to a state of confidence in the Lord?  There are great rewards found in Isaiah 32:17-18.

Isaiah 32:17-18 "The fruit of righteousness will be peace, the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever.  My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest."

In these verses we see where the Lord promises peace if we will choose to put our confidence in him.  Peace is something we can experience when times are good and when times are bad.  This day in my devotions set my mind in the right direction.  There are many passages that deal with many of God's character qualities that God wants to use to help us find healing, right living, and good quality of life.  We need to search out Scripture and ask the Holy Spirit what to do in order to find the healing we need.

Redeeming Laundry Folding

When I finish typing this I will be going to fold laundry.  I postpone the task as long as possible because it is one of my least favorite jobs.  Back when Caleb was only a few months old someone told me they just could not understand why I did not put Caleb to bed early and relax by doing something like folding laundry.  I could spend quite a bit of time talking about why I would make sure to have as much time with my baby as possible since I was gone from home at a job all day.  However, I will not do that today.  That is for another day.  Some how relaxing and folding laundry just did not fit in the same sentence and certainly not in the same category.  I have struggled with having a joyful attitude about folding laundry.

Recently. however, there has been something redemptive happen for me concerning this dreaded task.  I have started praying for each member of my family as I fold his clothes.  Then when I fold my own I pray for wisdom and guidance as the woman of this house and the many hats that has me to wear.  As I have started this I have come to see growth and progress in my family.  I have seen growth in me and I have watched this household have some great transformations.  We still have a long way to go and I definitely have a long way to go as far as being a good housekeeper, but I have discovered that as I give more and more of my life over to the Lord (particularly in housekeeping) I am discovering more and more of his redemption, love, and that he really does care about me and my family.

Yesterday, I had the same experience while doing the dishes.  I have started to pray for our kitchen to be a place of ministry to reach out to others, that the children and I will create great bonds in that room, and that our meal times would continue to be a sweet place for creating memories, training our children, entertaining guests, growing together as a family, and would expand into everything God envisions for our kitchen and dining table to be.

It has revitalized my view of my homemaker job.  I can not wait to see what else the Lord will do in our family.

Child Discipline and Child Training

The other day someone came and asked us for advice on how to discipline his child.  Vic and I were a little shocked and thought "us".  Now don't get me wrong I do not think our children are uncontrolled brats or anything.  We work very hard with Caleb and Simeon to shape their hearts, minds, souls, as well as help them have good behavior.  However, they are curious children and do try things that they shouldn't, have trouble with their attitudes sometimes, don't get along once in a while, etc.  Basically, in general they act like children.  Then when I think about me as a mom and how many times I have let something slide that I should not have or did not practice enough self-control to keep from yelling instead of instructing, or the times I have been too tired and did not serve a well-balanced meal while settling for merely food in their stomachs, or the other day when I did not realize until the end of the second day that Simeon had worn and slept in the same clothes for two days in a row.  The list of my own weaknesses could go on.  I am so far from the perfect mother and pray that at the end of my job that I have done it right.  So now this person is asking us about child discipline. 

After talking for a little while with this man it became apparent that he is making a mistake that I believe many families in America do and that is not having a whole picture of parenthood.  Discipline, correction, and punishment are important parts of parenting, but I believe so many focus on this that they miss the more important parts (and the parts that make the three aspects mentioned above easier).  Parenting is so much more.  A parent needs to not only discipline and correct, but needs to also build a positive relationship with his/her child, as well as train, instruct, have discussions where the child is listened to as well as challenged, give unconditional acceptance, and develop a certain level of friendship with the child God has blessed this parent with.  I am not advocating a buddy-buddy relationship where the parent is merely one of the child's peers.  I am saying a deep abiding mutual love that is built out of respect.  It is that respect and influence that is built that will give you as a parent influence in your child's life. 

If this relationship is built correctly and on the firm foundation of Christ then when those important questions in life come up, then I pray my children will come to Vic or I.  I have discovered sadly that so many children believe that their parents do not love them and are against them.  These parents have lost their influence in the lives of their children.  I want to build this relationship so that Caleb and Simeon are not led astray by someone who does not love them concerning important things in life. 

Then comes another part I think often gets missed in parenting as well-- training our children.  One of Caleb's weaknesses is that he struggles to pay attention.  We have worked with him on this for years.  About 4 months ago it occurred to me to ask him if he knew what it means to pay attention.  He could not tell me.  How many times has he been corrected and punished for not paying attention when he did not know what it was that we were expecting.  So we spent some time explaining what paying attention is as well as what some of the opposites were such as distraction.  Then we talked about ways to pay attention in the midst of distraction (for example learning how to ignore distractions).  Then we played some games to practice these skills.  I am not going to tell you that Caleb now miraculously has no struggles with paying attention, but I can tell you he does a tremendously better job of paying attention.  Training is not only correction, but is making sure that our children understand what is expected of them and then doing what we can to help them develop those skills.  We have also worked with Caleb and Simeon on the matter of trust.  We have talked about trust.  We talked about what it is, what it means to be trustworthy, what the benefits of being trusted are, what it is means to be untrustworthy, what some negative consequences of being untrustworthy are, then we talked about ways to act trustworthy.  Then we have given them some opportunities to be trusted.  We have corrected when necessary.  Both boys have had some times when they acted in trustworthy ways and times when they have not.  They were then given the consequences that went along with both.  We are encouraged to see progress as they seem to be becoming trustworthy in ways that they are capable of at their ages.  We are also working with obedience and having a cheerful attitude as well as treating people with honor. 

Being a parent is hard work, but it is also rewarding work.  It is also part of the legacy we leave behind so is well worth the time.  The man we talked to needed to work on building a positive relationship with his child and address the training issues so that discipline was easier.  I can think of many areas I need to do the same. 

What are some ways you build positive relationships with your children?  What are some ways you train your children?  We can all benefit from sharing and grow in our skills as parents.  We are shaping the future of the world after all.

Sacrificing What Is Great For What Is Merely Good

The other day I ran into a friend I used to spend a lot of time with, but as our lives have gone on we don't see each other so much anymore.  She and I began to catch up on life-- what she and her husband were doing and what her children were doing.  It became apparent that we have very different philosophies about extracurricular activities for our children.

As a homeschooling family we have made sure that we have our children out in the community to some degree and we have done that through extracurricular activities, church activities, park days, and through play dates.  Certain things are mandatory and others are a choice.  Church activities are mandatory, but fortunately our children like things such as Sunday School and AWANA.  Sometime next year Caleb will begin some piano lessons and may be Simeon too.  This is something Vic and I decided to make mandatory as part of home education.  The boys will start with piano lessons and will be taught music theory.  If they choose to continue on in piano great, but if they want once they have a good music foundation then they can move to the instrument of his choice, but music is an important part of a well-rounded education for our children.  Then in addition to these things we allow them to pick two extra activities.  Caleb has chosen Scouting and soccer for this year, but is considering next year changing to Scouting and dance/ theater type of activities (Vic and I thinks this is up his alley and that he is making a good choice for himself).  Simeon this year got to be in soccer for the first time and he will be in Scouts next year.  Let me interject here that this level of activity works for our family because we have two children.  I absolutely love large families and wanted a large family, but the Lord in his wisdom chose for us to be a two child home.  That being said, if we had a large family then we would not have all of these extra activities because then we be sacrificing a higher goal.

This higher goal is where my friend and I disagreed.  See, when I shared with her that Caleb was still deciding whether he wants to play soccer next year or do dance and theater, she did not understand why I would limit my child's opportunity to try things.  She did not understand our commitment to sitting down to dinner together, not running our children ragged, or not filling every minute of their day so there is no room for play or creativity.  In her mind I was stopping my child from reaching his full potential.  She did not understand that by limiting our children's activities that we are really teaching them some important lessons and as I pointed out to her our children are still doing several things.  Since this conversation has stayed with me I decided to blog about it.

I believe that by limiting the activities of our children does three things:  1.  Offers opportunity for discipleship at the dinner table (in my opinion that most valuable place for discipleship)  2.  Teaches our children to make choices and set boundaries for themselves  3.  Allows free time for play and creativity.

The evening meal time is the highlight of our day.  We have discussions, time of reflection, laughter, tears, learning of manners, learning that we are important and valuable to each other.  We use conversation starter, learn hymns, read novels, play games, and the list could go on.  There are good things my sons could learn from being in a sport or other activity, but there is nothing they will learn in those activities that is more important than what they will learn around the dinner table.  My friend does have a point that her children are getting to try out things to see what they enjoy.  So are mine, but my children are also learning that time is limited and they can not do everything which I believe is harder to learn as an adult.  Also all the busyness takes away time to imagine, think, create, and try out new ideas.  Plus all the hustle and bustle wears children out, then they don't have enough time for other obligations so they miss out on sleep so are sleep deprived.  This leads to higher levels of stress hormones and other harmful things to health.  I could go on,but as Vic and I discussed the matter we agreed to give our children a well-rounded education, but to limit activities.

My friend can make this lifestyle choice, but my family will continue with the philosophy that says we are unwilling to sacrifice the great for something that is merely good.