It Is Not About Me

There are many things that could be said about this video clip and Jamerill Stewart does a great job on her blog.  I am not even going to touch the lazy comments even though I could say plenty about that.  I want to talk about the comment, "Happy mom, happy baby."  That has not been my experience and I believe that comment is sinful.  Don't get me wrong I do believe that moms do need time to rest and recharge just like everyone else.  However, the idea that if  I go after all of my dreams (at the expense of my husband and children) and put my needs over my children's needs that they are just going to say I am so glad my mom is happy.  That my child is going to say "Mom it is okay that you are forgetting to nurture my needs and potential for your own happiness because that is what makes me happy, secure, and feel loved."  That is not reality.  It is not biblical. 

If we follow Jesus example he denied himself all the way to the cross then we can not adopt the philosophy of this mom.  What if Jesus had said, "I am going to spend my time on earth making myself happy.  So what if it means that sinners will not have a chance to accept me and will be doomed to spend eternity in hell."  Really what the "Happy mom, happy baby" philosophy says is I am going to live for myself and to please myself.  That is my goal in life and my child better be happy with that-- if not then that is not my problem.  If it hurts my child then so what after all life is about pleasing myself.  That is selfishness which is clearly sin. 

Life is not about me.  My role as a mom is not about me.  My role as wife is not about me.  My role as a woman is not about me.  Everything that I do is not about me-- all of it is and should be about bringing glory and honor to my Lord and Savior.  So in actuality it is all about Jesus.  I have this short time here on this earth to glorify Him and to impact this world for him.  There will be different seasons of my life where the task of bringing Him glory will require different things of me.  Right now that means being home full time with my children, homeschooling them, and supporting my husbands he builds a business.  If I stopped to think about me I would be ineffective in these roles.

Jesus says in Luke 9:23 "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."  Scripture does not say for me to please myself.  Scripture clearly tells me to deny myself and take up the cross He has given to me.  So in my life right now it means to deny myself and serve my family.  When I was not yet married I was to deny myself and serve the Lord in other ways.  When my children are grown I will still deny myself and serve my husband, but there will likely be others I will serve.  There will never be a time when I live only to please myself.  The Lord does not want our lip service, he wants our hearts.  He knows that if we focus too much on ourselves that we will not give our whole heart and life to him.  So he tells us to deny ourselves and follow his plan.

As a disclaimer I am not saying that it is never God's plan for a woman to work outside her home.  That is not my judgement call to make and I did work outside my home for quite a while.  Talk to the Lord and follow his plan for you concerning this matter.  I am also not saying that a woman should not have a break either.  What I am saying is that the me-time is often taken to extreme in both directions.  One side says that a mother should never get a break at all.  The other side involves continual indulgences that are taken at the expense of the family-- not just monetary expense either (physical, emotional, etc).  It is the heart attitude.  If you are working outside the home or taking the me time because you feel you are entitled to it or you deserve it then likely your life is about you instead of to glorify the Lord.  However, on the other hand you have worn yourself out in service for the King and  you need to recharge your batteries to serve more and better than your heart is in the right place.  Take some time today to ask yourself who or what life is about.  If your answer is anything other than to glorify the Lord that your motives are out of line and you need to ask the Lord to reallign your priorities.  It is not about me.  IT IS ABOUT HIM!!!!!!

Do I Trust You Lord - Twila Paris

I was searching for a song on YouTube and I came across this song.  Even though this is an old song I have not heard it from start to finish before.  There were certain parts that spoke to my heart.  One part in particular

"I know the answers, I've given them all.
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity of my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
But right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know."

Can you relate to this?  I know I can.  How many times is just knowing the answer supposed to be enough, but those answers do nothing for that pain deep inside.  For me it felt like something was totally broken beyond repair inside.  I felt like God had teased me, then betrayed me.  It seemed as though in the circumstances  that God acted totally contrary to what I had learned in His Word.  All the things happening in my life seemed contrary to the God I knew.  Could I trust the promise that He would never leave or forsake me when I most certainly felt like I had been both left and forsaken by Him?  I did not know what to do-- the only things I knew was that I had given my entire adult life to Him and now nothing made sense.  Where was He?  Why did He choose to be silent in my most painful, vulnerable time?  I decided to trust Him.  I would like to say that was some confident act of faith, but it wasn't.  I trusted Him with all my circumstances even though I felt betrayed because I did not know what else to do and I saw no other option.  However, I trusted Him and now I am glad I did.

When God is silent in our lives and in our pain that does not mean he is not concerned.  Often times He is more active in our lives in his silence than when He speaks to us.  In my case He most certainly was.  He was setting up a miracle.  So we need to trust in Him by a choice of our will especially when we don't feel like it.

Restoring umph

As I have been studying the Proverbs 31 woman I keep getting stuck on how she works vigorously and eagerly.  These are things I have struggled with for a while.  I have not always struggled with this as I used to be an eager and vigorous worker until I burned out while my husband was sick.  It seemed like during those days no matter how hard I worked things got worse for my family.  I have posted about some of this before.  My average sleep during that time was around 3 hours per night and I remember crying while driving to work and hearing the line of a song by Guardian that said, "Life can be so cruel when you have given all of you've got but its not enough."  That was how I felt like no matter what I did it was not enough because I was not good enough.  I was exhausted, discouraged, and eventually I lost heart.  Then when I came home full time I had no idea how to run a household so that was an overwhelming task that was too much for me so I let things go.  I would be able to pull things together over the last year briefly a couple of times, but that would not last because discouragement would set in.  Like I said in a post earlier this week I taught my children, cooked, and did laundry.  The rest fell to the way side and my umph to work eager or vigorously was just not there.

However, as I have studying the Proverbs 31 woman the words vigorously and eagerly keep standing out to me. I have been talking to the Lord about this and told him my desire to regain the ability to work eagerly and vigorously again.  Then one day the Lord led me to Hebrews 12:12-13 ^" Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed."  The Holy Spirit began to speak by telling me that my first year at home had been intended for healing, but that now was the time for me to move on to a new phase of healing.  Something jumped out at me that I had missed in those verses before "so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed."  All of a sudden I knew the Lord was telling me to take the strength I do still have, use it to strengthen my arms and legs to get up and dig into the work that is there.  He would then add to the strength I have and then I would see my home and family life improve in some new ways.  He would provide the eagerness and strength for vigorousness.  I would find my umph once again.  That was last week and shortly after this day in my devotions my husband and I had our anniversary get a way and it was as if the rest this time went deeper into me.  I was actually refreshed.  Then this week I already see results of "strengthening my feeble arms and week knees".  I already see results of a small bit of orderliness coming into my home.  Then I remember that my study of the Proverbs 31 woman actually was an off shoot of a study on orderliness that I started a few months ago.  So the Lord led me to what I was seeking, but the route was different than I had planned funny how he works that way sometimes.

Our Anniversary

Vic and I have been married for 12 years on Sunday, June 24th.  My family has a farm with a little farm get a way house so Vic and I checked to see about the availability of the farm for our anniversary.  It was not available that weekend, but was the weekend before.  So we celebrated our anniversary over Fathers Day weekend and we will celebrate Fathers Day on our actual anniversary this year. 

It was so nice.  We went out to dinner on our way to the farm, then once we got there did pretty much nothing.  We watched tv, slept in, ate, did a miniscule amount of fishing and talked.  Most of the time we sat in front of the tv or talked.  We watched more tv from Friday night until Sunday morning than we have since January.  We don't have cable and do not get network tv so we only watch videos and a little PBS.  It was not the tv watching that we needed it was the down time to decompress and just be.  We are learning that we each need to take some time to just exist or just be.  No pressure, no customer demands, no ringing phone calls, no children needing this or that thing, etc.  We came back rested and refreshed as well as inspired with new ideas.  It was truly a great weekend.

My first year home

June 1st marked the end of my first year at home full time.  Leaving the workforce was scary and most definitely a leap of faith as I brought in 65% of our income.  There are many around us who could not understand why our family would do something like this.  Sometimes I would ask myself that same thing since the numbers did not crunch to back up this decision.  The plan was for me to come home full time, but we had a certain mark on when I would come home-- we had not reached that point yet.  So why did we take this leap at this time instead of pushing further?  The answer is embarrassing to me.  I am so ashamed sometimes of it but I have decided to be honest about it because if it helps others to seek out help then it is worth sharing.  Some might even become angry with me for the answer, but years of pushing myself because I love my family led me to that point. 

I have shared that I was suicidal for years in another post from March of 2003 until November of 2011.  Daily I talked myself out of suicide.  The discussion in my head would go something like this.  "Yes, you could do (whatever method I had come up with for that month of year and all of them would have worked and I had the means), but you can't do that because you don't want to hurt Vic that way and (after Caleb was born) you don't want to leave you children without a mother."  However, it became worse than that.  Somewhere in 2010 this internal dialog interrupted with "If they Vic and the boys die to then you don't leave them hurting."  I don't know exactly when these internal thoughts started, but I am guessing it was in 2010.  At first I fought this notion, but somewhere along the way I deteriorated inside enough where I had a plan about our last family meal together and then none of us ever wake up again.  I am not even sure how long these thoughts had gone on inside of me.  I don't remember at what point they started.  I just know I was in so much internal pain that I felt I could not endure anymore.  One day I caught myself having them and realized I had been thinking this for a while.  So I decided to tell my husband.  I was an emotional basket case all the time at that point.  For a few months now I had been hiding in my office at work crying during lunch breaks, crying all the way to work, crying all the way home from work, and closing my office door to cry between clients.  I would some how manage to pull it together for my children to not cry with them.  One day during a moment of clarity I realized I was in terrible shape and decided to tell Vic.

I was not sure how this would go because I had tried to tell Vic I was mentally deteriorating back in 2004.  I told him I was suicidal and needed his support, but he just got angry, did not understand, and he decided to share with one of his family members.  It was then that I was verbally attacked and told that I was a mom now so I did not have a right to have any needs of my own, I could not have any breaks, that women are to be strong and not need support from their husbands, and to always be there to support their husbands no matter what. That was prior to brain surgery so my husband's lack of support was due to his cognitive impairment-- not his character.  However, at that point I started resenting him and my one child at the time.  I could go ahead and die if it weren't for them.  Then I was continuing to do therapeutic work in the mental health field.  I had asked for support at church and was told that all the issues in my family were my fault.  That was when I was told I must have committed some terrible sin and would never be acceptable to the Lord again.  Then one person told me that my husband was only a janitor and I wasted my career on inmates so I was not important enough to be given support. Literally the reason I was still alive was because I loved both my husband and my children.  The only thing that gave me any reason at all to live was them.  So at this point 6 years later I decided to take a risk and admit to Vic what was going on inside.  Post brain surgery Vic comprehended things a lot better.  We prayed and talked and realized that even though we did not know how we would make it financially I would leave the workforce and spend my time doing the remaining thing that gave me a reason to live.  So I came home and became a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom.  Once I gave notice to my workplace my fantasy about our family's last meal stopped and never returned.  The Lord has been faithful and even though we don't have extra we have made it through the first year.

The first year has been a healing year.  I would like to say it was a happy year, but in reality I had so much pain that had been pushed aside to do the next thing that needed done (and most of it had even more emotional pain that had to be brushed aside and added to the mix) that any time I had emotional space emotional pain flooded that space.  So often I felt like I could not even breathe.  However, as I continued to serve my family I have been finding healing.  Around Thanksgiving time I stopped wanting to kill myself.  Even though I was still not happy that was significant progress.  Then in January I went to the doctor and started taking an anti-depressant medication.  I have not been to counseling as that office represents work to me.  After eight and a half years of working in a counseling office and putting off what I was feeling I can not go into a counselors office and be a client at this point.  To interject here if you are hurting in the way I was then I recommend seeking a competent Christian counselor.  I am healing though.  The Lord has been faithful, my husband as he heals is learning to be supportive to me, and at this point I even have a couple of friends that live near me that I can trust and couple of friends who live other places I can call if I need to.  Healing has been the theme of my first year at home with my family.  I stopped resenting my children as soon as my suicide thoughts stopped and back in January quit resenting my husband.  At Christmas my husband finally turned a corner in his own recovery from his lifetime of seizures and was able to be supportive of me emotionally.  Now we are learning to be there for each other at the same time.  My first year at home was a success.

However, many of the things a homemaker needs to do have not been done like they should.  I think that some likely think that I am lazy as a result of my home always being messy and not organized well.  My family was fed, my children taught and there were clean clothes to wear.  Now I am at a place where I am able to bring order to much of the chaos in my home.  I am not sure how to do this, but I am tackling it.  The Lord had emotional healing for me during my first year at home.  Now He seems to be leading me to bring order to my home and our family's lifestyle during our second year.  As I have been studying God's design for the family the Lord seems to be giving me insight and leading me to others who are able to help me in the areas where I don't really know what to do. 

My first year at home was a success and my second year will be too in a very different way.  I look forward to a second year reflection with all the good things from this coming year.  I know it will be a post that will not be nearly as dark as this one.

If you need counseling call Focus on the Family 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).  they have a data base of christian counselors around the country.  Likely they have contact information for someone in your area.

Obedience Training In Children

I wish I had done a better job when my children were younger about obedience training.  I had to be gone a lot in their very small days and some of  their caregivers did not find this as important as I did and still do.  I am not blaming those caregivers because ultimately I am the one responsible for my children as their mother.  So regardless of the reason for their lack of proper obedience training the buck stops with me.  It is my job to train the disobedience out of them.  The first thing that needs to happen in this process is that a definition for obedience needed to be established.  I define obedience as doing the right thing, with the right attitude even when no one is watching because those things are the right things to do.  I want Caleb and Simeon to understand that first of all God is a God of grace and forgiveness, but to balance that with God is always watching so they can't just get away with something.  As I keep those things in mind I have let them know that to be obedient means they follow the instructions from Vic and I right then-- not later.  If they are in the middle of something they can politely ask if they can finish that thing.  Depending on the circumstances we will either say yes or no.  The obedience must be handled in a way that is respectful to Vic and I.  If they obey, but say something like. "That's not fair." or "That's your job" or "Why do I have to tidy up my room every day." then he is being disrespectful which is disobedience.  I like to use chores and such as a time to instill gratefulness.  We talk about how great it is that God made provision for the toys to pick up or the clothes to fold, etc.  They also must continue following my instructions when I leave the room.  If I can not trust them to continue cleaning their room while I clean the bathroom for example then that is disobedience.  We also have three character traits that we are focusing on at the moment so the instructions must be followed attentively, faithfully, and diligently. 

Some have told me I am too strict.  Others have told me I am not strict enough.  However, in reality as parents we need to prepare our children for life.  If Caleb were to tell his boss at work, "It is not fair that you asked me to do this."  or if he only worked when the boss was watching then he would not keep his job very long.  What if Simeon said no to the Lord when the Lord was leading him to do something?  It would bring curses into his life instead of blessings.  Obedience is a key to following the Lord.  The Lord requires obedience of us.  So if I do not lay a foundation of obedience in my children now then I am setting them up for a much more difficult life in the future.  I want my children to live out every dream the Lord has for them because I believe that Jeremiah 29:11 is just as true for them as it is for me.  Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future."  Obedience is the beginning of loving the Lord and living the awesome life He has planned for you, for me, and for my children.

First Camping Trip

Okay, I will admit that this post is probably going to sound a little whiny.  I will try not to whine, but I am not sure if I will succeed.  Once I finish this post I plan to go to bed sick.  After a fun filled VBS week (I believe 12 in Caleb's class asked Christ into their heart) we were looking forward to a busy, but fun filled weekend.  So Friday over the course of the day I felt a scratchy sore throat starting and I woke up Saturday morning with a full blown cold.  Summer colds are just no fun at all.  So we went to the Raingutter Regata with the Cub Scouts.  Caleb did not win, but had a lot of fun painting and decorating his boat.  Then even more fun racing with his fellow Cub Scouts.  Then those that wanted to could stay and camp.  So we brought our tent and the other camping gear that we have and prepared to stay the night.  Vic had fun doing some late night fishing.  Caleb and Simeon had a blast playing flashlight tag, exploring and all sorts of other activities with all the boys that were staying.  Then at just after 10:00 I settled them down in their sleeping bags.  Caleb went to sleep rather quickly.  Simeon, however, did not fall asleep until 11:30.  Around that time I realized that I was not going to make it through the night.  I could not breathe and my throat was beginning to get sore again.  So at 11:45 I went home.  I returned this morning and enjoyed a little more time on the campsite.  Then I have been doing some of the clean up and laundry today.  Then at 6:00 there was a program for VBS.  Caleb and Simeon did so well singing their songs and doing the motions they were taught to go with them.  We stayed and spent time enjoying some fellowship at a little reception.  Now we are home.  Vic is watering the garden, and I am exhausted.  I realized that while I have smiled and clapped and am glad it has been a good weekend for my family that I really have not enjoyed it because I feel pretty crummy.  So I am going to let Vic make the baked potatoes with broccoli, cheese, and bacon while I go to bed.  They can put all the folded laundry away.  This momma just needs to take some medicine and get some rest.  I hope you had a great weekend!!!!

What's For Dinner Mom (review)

"Mom, I am hungry?"  I dread those words these days.  I did not used to-- I used to love hearing them.  When Caleb entered his bottomless pit stage of life it did not hinder me all that much.  However, when Simeon hit that stage and I had two bottomless pits I felt like all I ever did was cook.  Then before even five minutes passed they were hungry again.  They are not overweight-- in fact they are bean poles.  By the time dinner time rolls around I am so tired of cooking and preparing food that I do not want to look at food never the less prepare a meal and serve it in an appealing fashion that bonds our family closer together.  It did not used to be this way.  I used to prepare nice healthy suppers, set the table nice with cloth napkins and candle light.  Now, however, I am so worn out that I feel like it is all I can do just to get food on the table.  Lately, both of our sons complain about what is served.  Vic will not tolerate this and the meal turns into anything but being enjoyable.  I plan a menu and include plenty of snacks and that helps some, but it has still been a struggle recently.  So when I saw the title of this month's product for review I at first rolled my eyes because I did not want to talk about meals.  I have tried bulk cooking before and do have a couple of extra things for the freezer, but I have run into so many discouraging problems that I gave up on the idea.

However, I was pleasantly surprised by this book.  Lorrie addressed every issue I have struggled with in the past concerning bulk food preparation with a very practical solution.  She developed a system that breaks the process of filling up your freezer with meals into smaller more doable tasks than the books I have read concerning mega cooking and cooking one month of meals in one day.  Those were too overwhelming for me.  I plan to add some of her suggestions to the plans I have been coming up with to make things easier for me in the area of feeding my family.  One area I am ready to look at further is the area of snacks because it is the one currently wearing me out.  I do not want my children eating prepackage foods that are full of chemicals and preservatives that I am convinced no one really knows what the long term effects are on little growing bodies.  So I cook a lot.  One thing that I have been doing that has helped is not in this book and that is to make popcorn and use various flavors and seasoning.  Label the bags with the flavors and my children can eat that instead of potato chips.  Yes, they still get some added sodium and some preservatives, but nothing like in the prepackaged foods.  In addition to this idea there were three practical  ideas Lorrie suggested that I think are going to really help me in the snack department.  Are you curious as to what those are?  Well, you will just have to read What's For Dinner, Mom? to find out.

I am sure there will be many practical ideas that you will find helpful as you seek to serve your family.  What's For Dinner, Mom? is not available as an e-book, but is an actual print copy book that can be shipped right to your home and reside on the shelf along with your other cookbooks for easy access and reference.  Use this link to order your copy 

 http://tinyurl.com/cttd6f6

Be sure to also check out all the resources at Eternal Encouragement as I am sure that Lorrie has something with practical, real help in the areas you struggle as a wife, mother, and Christian woman.  To explore the Eternal Encouragement website click here.  I know you will be pleased with what you find.

I almost forgot the most exciting part-- one of the readers who comments on one of the Gabby Moms reviews will receive a free print copy of What's For Dinner, Mom?  So make sure when you read this review you leave a comment along with your e-mail address because you just might receive this awesome book.


Disclaimer:  I received What's For Dinner, Mom as an official member of the Gabby Moms blogging program in exchange for my honest review.