I shared yesterday that I have had a lot of sorting to do in the months of November and December. One thing that happened to me in December was a realization that I was an angry wife, mother, and woman. As soon as I made this realization I got down on my knees to talk to the Lord about it and in his presence decided to let go the the anger. I was not ready for what came next.
There were reasons I became angry. Before 2003 I had not been an angry person, but once my husband had started having seizures (I always want to insert that God healed him through brain surgery 5 years ago) we discovered that we did not have nearly as much support as we needed. That is when the struggles for me began. I eventually ran out of mental energy and anger does produce energy. I needed the energy to keep going as there were about 4 years where I slept on average 3 hours per night and I had to do impossible things like have people in different parts of a city at the same time while my job was upset that I was not there. Then still others were telling me that my church attendance was not good enough, that my house was not clean enough, still creditors due to my husband's failed business before his seizures got too bad to hold down a job, still others were telling me what I should be doing for my children, the list went on. No matter what I did none of it was good enough. I did not need anyone to tell me this. I had goals and dreams for my family, for my marriage, for myself. I was not living up to any of those. However, I was giving everything that I had just for us to survive-- there was nothing more to give. I was hurt and the only thing I could do with it was push it aside to "do what I had to do". That was the biggest source of my anger.
See anger is a secondary emotion. What I mean by secondary emotion is that it is always caused by another emotion. Anger can not stand by itself. We don't go from being happy to being angry. We go from happy to another emotion than to anger. So in order to deal with anger we typically have to deal with the primary emotion that caused the anger. In my case it had been so long that I forgot the original pain. Let me assure you the pain had not gone anywhere-- it was right there waiting for me to let go of the anger so it could reveal itself to be dealt with.
I let go of anger and was all of a sudden in tremendous pain. I started talking to the Lord about it. As I prayed and studied Scripture the Lord spoke to my heart a healing balm "You are good enough for me." Something released in me. All of a sudden I just did not care what anyone outside of my home thought about what I did or was doing. I care about pleasing my husband, myself, meeting what my children need from me, and pleasing the Lord. The rest really does not matter. After this release and letting go all of a sudden I was relieved, but exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I have had this battle going on inside for 10 years so being exhausted is not inappropriate. However, I do have obligations as a wife and mom. So Vic and I decided that I would set myself a bed time and take one extra break during the day for the next few weeks just to get some extra recharge. I can already tell a difference and am not taking extra breaks any more because I don't seem to need them. The amount of peace coming into our home is amazing and we are finding our place as a family. If you struggle with feeling like you don't measure up then I recommend spending time with the Lord to talk about this as He knows exactly what you need in order to minister to you. Or if you struggle with anger I challenge you to let it go and deal with the real issue at hand. I truly believe the Lord wants us to live a life of peace and freedom.