Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Healing Realization

I shared just a couple of days ago that I had a large meltdown. I also shared some a painful story from years ago when someone said pretty cruel things to me the day I found out I had miscarried a child. I have been trying to figure out why after 8 years I would still have this much grieving going on. I did process the loss, but I seem to go back to this every year. It occurred to me yesterday while I was cooking that this memory is not grief over losing a child. I am sad when I think about Robin Lee, but not devastated any longer. I will never be happy about it and on this side of heaven I do not think I will ever understand why it happened, but I have accepted it. However, I am realizing that up to that point I had always had a strong prayer and support network. That day I felt like I lost that love and support. Also from that point in mine and Vic's lives things got worse-- exponentially worse. The responses from several other Christians in our lives also got exponentially worse-- there were also some that we supportive, but I was pretty blinded by my pain. However, I was blind sided by that woman's statement that night and many others over other situations as well. I realized that what I lately what I have been grieving is the loss of support. It was that night I started to retreat to my island. There were times I would reach out to get off of that island, but hurt seemed to loom there so I would retreat back.

I have missed the safety of supportive Christian people who encouraged and lifted me up when I needed it. I lost that at a time when I needed it so desperately-- some from my own fears and others by actual repsonses from others. After a while the risk of the pain got to be too much so I did not really try to reach out any more.

Two weeks ago I got a healing gift back-- tears. I had not been able to really cry other than a couple of isolated incidents at a couple of church services. Now 8 years later I can cry. I have had plenty to cry about in those 8 years and my not being able to cry stopped a lot of the healing process for me. I have cried a lot in the last two weeks. As I have cried I am finding there is peace and healing behind my tears as well as some understanding and realizing things. I am also finding that I am once again surrounded by loving Christian supportive people.

I think now I can stop pretending I am okay at times when I am not okay-- not wearing emotions on my shirt sleeve either. I think I can learn to once again be true and vulnerable with safe people. I have missed that so much. Somehow the rest of my life does not seem so bad. I don't think my tearful time is entirely over, but I think I did turn a corner.

I hope to never take friendship and fellowship for granted.

1 comment:

  1. It is so important for Christians to show love and support for one another, especially during their times of need. So sorry you didn't have the support you needed back then, and I'm glad things are looking up for you now. God is good.