I shared just a couple of days ago that I had a large meltdown. I also shared some a painful story from years ago when someone said pretty cruel things to me the day I found out I had miscarried a child. I have been trying to figure out why after 8 years I would still have this much grieving going on. I did process the loss, but I seem to go back to this every year. It occurred to me yesterday while I was cooking that this memory is not grief over losing a child. I am sad when I think about Robin Lee, but not devastated any longer. I will never be happy about it and on this side of heaven I do not think I will ever understand why it happened, but I have accepted it. However, I am realizing that up to that point I had always had a strong prayer and support network. That day I felt like I lost that love and support. Also from that point in mine and Vic's lives things got worse-- exponentially worse. The responses from several other Christians in our lives also got exponentially worse-- there were also some that we supportive, but I was pretty blinded by my pain. However, I was blind sided by that woman's statement that night and many others over other situations as well. I realized that what I lately what I have been grieving is the loss of support. It was that night I started to retreat to my island. There were times I would reach out to get off of that island, but hurt seemed to loom there so I would retreat back.
I have missed the safety of supportive Christian people who encouraged and lifted me up when I needed it. I lost that at a time when I needed it so desperately-- some from my own fears and others by actual repsonses from others. After a while the risk of the pain got to be too much so I did not really try to reach out any more.
Two weeks ago I got a healing gift back-- tears. I had not been able to really cry other than a couple of isolated incidents at a couple of church services. Now 8 years later I can cry. I have had plenty to cry about in those 8 years and my not being able to cry stopped a lot of the healing process for me. I have cried a lot in the last two weeks. As I have cried I am finding there is peace and healing behind my tears as well as some understanding and realizing things. I am also finding that I am once again surrounded by loving Christian supportive people.
I think now I can stop pretending I am okay at times when I am not okay-- not wearing emotions on my shirt sleeve either. I think I can learn to once again be true and vulnerable with safe people. I have missed that so much. Somehow the rest of my life does not seem so bad. I don't think my tearful time is entirely over, but I think I did turn a corner.
I hope to never take friendship and fellowship for granted.