I had a pretty large meltdown this weekend. Why is it that my whole household stops when I have an issue? We missed church this morning over it. It was a combination of things. First of all I have always had some tendency toward winter time blues. They were not so bad when I worked at the bank as drive up teller and had the big window to let the sunshine in. However, once I started working in the jail and then in an office building those blues have gotten worse. This has been a particularly difficult winter with less sunshine and so much more winter weather. This past week being trapped in the house without human interaction. Add to this that I am entering the anniversary date of my miscarriage.
The miscarriage process for me was a particularly hard time for me and was complicated by many other factors. The first one being the response of others to it as well as the fact that it happened just as Vic's seizures started. I have not been able to grieve either. Humans were not meant to swallow their emotions whole. Those emotions don't heal if they are not addressed either. One of the difficult things for me to deal with and was a precipitator of my meltdown was my remembrance of one of the responses to the loss of this child.
The day the doctor told us that we had lost the baby was a Wednesday. I wanted to go home and go to bed. Vic, however, insisted I go to church that night. That night is a blur to me. I think there were a couple of people who had some sympathetic responses to me that night, but honestly I don't remember much of that night. I do remember going to the women's Bible Study and sitting there in my stunned state. I did not say anything at all. I did not even cry. I was still in too much shock to cry. One woman walked up to me and told me that she had heard about what happened and she did not know why I was upset after all it wasn't a baby yet anyway.
That was a devastating blow to me at a time when I was pretty vulnerable. See even though at that time I was still in too much shock to be in touch with what I wanted or needed or even expected, I did expect and need somethings I was not going to get. I expected one of the older women at church to hug me, let me cry on thier shoulder, and that she would tell me to let it all out and that everything would be okay because I did not feel like things would be okay ever again. The next several years through many events that happened I have longed for another woman in the church to hug me, let me cry, and tell me everything would be okay. I did not get that support though instead I have had many hurtful, demeaning, and insulting things said to me.
I have often heard it said that Christians shoot their own wounded. What does it say to the hurting and dying world of unbelievers out their when we treat our own with disdain and cause more harm at a time when we need compassion and love. We need to lift each other up, get under each others burdens and carry them together. Then reach out to the hurting and dying world we live in. However, when we turn on each other we don't do that. We need to live compassionately and lovingly toward each other.
I had a good friend today who offered me support and acted as the arms of Jesus today. I am so blessed to now have found myself amongst a body of believers and community of homeschoolers who does such a good job of acting as the arms of Christ. Let us all make sure we act as Jesus would to those around us today.