It seems like days are long at our house right now-- of course it is mowing season. Last night I was so tired that I went to bed and decided to get up early to pack things for Caleb's Tiger Cub Day Camp-- it lasts for 2 days and tomorrow is the first day. He has been looking forward to this for a while. This is also VBS week at our church so things have been pretty hectic, not to mention that we have not established a routine yet with my being at home with the boys now. So needless to say my being awake at 3am right now was not welcome.
I woke up to get a drink of water and then had a realization. This realization keeping me awake when I should be sleeping, you would think it would be some great huge morsel of wisdom, but it is simply-- It is okay to say things are hard.
This simple nugget means a lot to me right now. It means letting go of years of pretending or at least trying to pretend. It means that I now have some insight as to some of my low frustration tolerance. My frustration tolerance did not used to be low, but these last few years it has been and I have not really been sure why. Admitting first of all that life has been hard and secondly that it is okay to say that it is hard is like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I also realize that I so badly want a break from the hardness of life. A day or two to rest and recharge to face the hard. That is not likely to happen, but now I can at least say that I want it. I have not been able to admit something like that to myself for years.
If you read my last post I realized that I have accepted others pictures of me and let go of God's picture of me. Now I am letting go of those old picture and allowing God to draw a picture of how he sees me and replacing all the old pictures. I realize tonight that I am letting go of an old picture some one gave me. When Caleb was a couple of months old I was still adjusting to motherhood as many moms still are at that point in the life of their first child, when I suggested I needed a break. This got turned into something entirely different by the person I was talking to. According to this woman I was abandoning my husband and child. How dare I need a break. She further told me that I no longer had any right to have any needs of my own because I was now a mother. Somehow I was to be invinsible, made of steel, and could no longer have any rights as a human being.
I was vulnerable at that point. My husband was ill with epilepsy, my baby was demanding (as babies tend to be), I was working full time, and now was experiencing post partum blues. Then add on top of that guilt that I was struggling with things being hard. I stopped admitting it to myself that day. I decided that somehow I had to be made of steel from that point on. However, the truth is I am not made of steel and I have only deteriorated on the inside from this. I have felt like a humongous failure as a result of not being able handle everything as if it were nothing and easy. So now tonight I admit that things are hard and I feel the weight life.
Then I think about a lesson I have been teaching Caleb. We are supposed to do hard things. I still agree with this. I am still to tackle the things in life that are in front of me, but it is okay to admit the truth that it is hard as I face them. It is only when I admit that something is hard can I then release it to the Lord and let Him take the situation. Only when I admit that it taxes my strengths and abilities and my energy level can He give me His perfect strength. Admitting is pretty powerful it allows us the opportunity to surrender to the Lord. If we don't admit an issue we can not surrender it. So tonight I admit that life is hard and I surrender this to the Lord. I let go of the picture handed to me saying I must be made of steel or I am inadequate. I accept whatever picture God chooses to give me. I have no idea if I will ever get a morning to sleep in or weekend alone with my husband that I feel I need to recharge my batteries, but I do know God is all sufficient and will provide all I need to manage and have victory over the things ahead of me.