I was searching for a song on YouTube and I came across this song. Even though this is an old song I have not heard it from start to finish before. There were certain parts that spoke to my heart. One part in particular
"I know the answers, I've given them all.
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity of my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
But right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know."
Can you relate to this? I know I can. How many times is just knowing the answer supposed to be enough, but those answers do nothing for that pain deep inside. For me it felt like something was totally broken beyond repair inside. I felt like God had teased me, then betrayed me. It seemed as though in the circumstances that God acted totally contrary to what I had learned in His Word. All the things happening in my life seemed contrary to the God I knew. Could I trust the promise that He would never leave or forsake me when I most certainly felt like I had been both left and forsaken by Him? I did not know what to do-- the only things I knew was that I had given my entire adult life to Him and now nothing made sense. Where was He? Why did He choose to be silent in my most painful, vulnerable time? I decided to trust Him. I would like to say that was some confident act of faith, but it wasn't. I trusted Him with all my circumstances even though I felt betrayed because I did not know what else to do and I saw no other option. However, I trusted Him and now I am glad I did.
When God is silent in our lives and in our pain that does not mean he is not concerned. Often times He is more active in our lives in his silence than when He speaks to us. In my case He most certainly was. He was setting up a miracle. So we need to trust in Him by a choice of our will especially when we don't feel like it.