Tuesday, July 3, 2012

A Drought and the Voices In My Head

Okay from the title I do not mean audible voices.  I mean the things we have been told that we play back to ourselves over and over again.  In mental health counseling we refer to those as mental tapes we play in our heads.  I struggle with many of them.  Right now the ones I struggle with are literally the ones that were told to me while my husband was sick.  I was told that his seizures were my fault, that our family's situation was caused by my sin.  Also that God did not care about my family or my children.  I was told that God turned his back on me.  I was so weak and vulnerable that a part of me believed it.  I was told that no matter what I did it would never be good enough and that my family was doomed because of me.  I am not sure where the line of everything that was actually said stops and where the damage of the things being said to me took over.  I do remember being told that the only thing good about me was that I did not leave my husband when he was sick.  The truth is I was giving everything I had to give and it was not good enough-- not nearly good enough.  Then situations improved.  God was setting us up for a miracle-- not condemning me or my family.  My husband was healed from lifelong epilepsy and life long learning disabilities. 

I shared not long ago my reasons for leaving the workforce.  Now I feel so blessed to be home with my children.  I love building relationships with them, being the one to teach them, disciple them, and be a part of their maturation and growing up.  My house is never clean either, but I am not bothered by that because I am tending to the most important things.  I have my children at home for such a short period of time and I am glad that I am not missing this time with them.   I can have a clean house when they are grown and leave home.

Right now we are experiencing a severe drought here in Illinois and the heat wave right now is terrible.  My husband's work has dried up.  So we are looking at what we have to do as a result.  I am babysitting.  He is currently stuffing envelopes for an area insurance agent, but is also applying for part time work at some of the area gas stations.  Meanwhile we are exploring our other options.  He says no way does he want me to get a job outside of our home.  So I am currently working on some things that I can do from home to potentially bring in income.  As we do these things the tapes from a few years ago start playing in my head.  That somehow the drought is my fault, that many are suffering because I am not able to do enough or be enough for our family.  That God really does not love me, but He loves the rest of the world.  That I am just hideous in his sight because of how terribly insufficient I am.  These things are totally false and I know it, but I still fight with them inside.  So as I struggle to quiet the lies inside of me, I pray for rain and watch the radar in anticipation that lately has mostly just led to disappointment.  Once again I will scour the Word for the truth about God's grace, who He says I am, and remind myself to praise Him, then shed an occasional tear.  I apologize for sounding so down, but I just have not had much inspiration due to this struggle going on inside. When I have seasons like this in my soul I tend to pray, scour scripture, and praise Him even though I often do not feel like it.  Today I am thinking of Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future."  Also Romans 8:28 "We know that in all things Christ works together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose."  What do you do in your dark seasons?  What scriptures do you cling to?

1 comment:

  1. What a struggle, wish I had some real wisdom - all I have is the verse my family studied last week - Psalm 118:6 - The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?

    May the Lord keep you and your family safe and bless you through this season of your life.

    Marissa @ forfunreadinglist.blogspot.com