I have been trying to find enough time to do this post justice, but have been struggling to do that. So now I am staying up far too late tonight to attempt to do just that. I have shared in some previous posts about some difficult trials my family went through. One question that has plagued me even as times got better is that even though I searched for the Lord and could not seem to see him or even get a good grasp as we walked through those painful days. Confusion set in and it was even more painful than the circumstances. I have grappled with the question, "Lord where were you? Can I count on your word when Scripture says you never leave us or forsake us, but during the darkest days of my life it seemed you had left and forsaken me? I was even told by a church elder at the time that I was not acceptable to the Lord and I had no hope of ever being acceptable in his eyes. So where was the Lord?
At the Women of Faith conference during worship it was as if the Lord answered that question. I was not even asking it at that moment. The Lord reminded me of Simeon's second birthday. Do you know where Simeon spent his second birthday? In the Emergency Room. He had gotten over the stomach flu, and we did not know had developed an ear infection. All we knew was that he would not drink anything and he did not look right. It had also been 24 hours since he had needed a diaper change. So we had to take him to the ER to get IV fluids. What a lovely way to spend your second birthday (sense the sarcasm). Simeon did not cooperate with getting the needle stuck in his arm so he could receive the fluids and he most certainly did not understand why anyone would do this to him. The nurses were holding him down, but he was still getting out of their grip. I did the most loving thing I could do as his mother-- I laid down on top of him so that he must stay still to get the IV going. His life depended on it so I did it. Simeon was so angry with me-- it was two days later before he would hug me or snuggle with me again. He received the IV and we got to go home. He got well and eventually we were a close as we had been prior to that day.
As I was worshiping the Lord at the conference, he brought this day to my mind. Then he spoke to my heart reminding me of the dark days when Vic's seizures were at their worst and our life circumstances seemed the most grim. The Lord said to me that he was there and he loved me very much and that he was indeed there thoroughly concerned about my life and the life of my family. He told me that just like I was there loving Simeon on that table in the ER the Lord had my family in his Spiritual ER and he wanted to rearrange and reorganize us. I did not see or understand so I was fighting the process. He was there laying on me to let the painful circumstances tear things apart so that he could put them back together in the way that he wanted. So he was there, but I did not recognize him because the most loving thing for me did not feel loving just like it didn't for Simeon. Then the Lord began to show me many wonderful things he has done through those dark days and some of the great things my family is now experiencing that we would not be if we had not lived through those days. It has made me think about the fact that the Lord is most active and his most loving often times when we can not track him. So if you are in a dark place right now and you can not seem to see the Lord in your life please remember to trust the Lord even though you can not track him right now.