Just a sleepless night pondering

I am not even sure how to say what is on my heart tonight.  It has been a long time since I have felt comfortable sharing straight from my heart.  There has been something unsettled in me for quite some time and I have not even been sure how to put it into words.  A combination of things just keeps swirling through my head and I have to get them out.  First is a passage of scripture keeps turning up for me.  There are a few passages that have been like that for a number of years now.  The passage I am referring to is Hebrews 10:22-25.  Verses 24 and 25 in particular.

Hebrews 10:24-25  "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.  Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

Then there are the conversations with my husband where I tell him how I find myself drawn to Facebook only to find disappointment.  I long for true meaningful interaction with others.  On line I find pseudo interaction with others.  It is not the same as one on one converation, a touch, a hug, you know the things that meet deep longings of our inner being.  Facebook numbs that sometimes, but when I log off the whole is still there.  Then I think about the study I am doing on the book of Philippians.  I am currently using The Wiersbe Bible Commentary by Warren Wiersbe.  A couple of days ago during this study Mr. Wiersbe was talking about having fellowship and fellowship is to have a common bond, connection.  It is to be bound by common purpose and meaning.  He says it is to have each other in mind, in heart, and in prayer.  Then I am reminded of a conversation I had with a friend a little over a week ago.  We were talking about God being all we need.  I shared that I struggle with this because I just can't seem to find myself content; I long for something more even though I know I have the Lord.  I have struggled with guilt and lost much peace and sleep over this matter.  Then my friend said something I had not considered.  She said she could not think of anywhere in the Bible where it says God is all we need.  Then suggested that idea might need further investigation.  I have been looking and you know what I can not find it either.

Instead I find that Scripture tells us that we need each other.  It says that God will SUPPLY all our needs.  It does not say he is ALL we need.  God did not create us and then put us on islands.  He created us and put us in families.  Then he told us to meet together, encourage one another.  He made us to have relationships with others.  He knew we would need each other to walk out the life of faith he is calling us to.

I find myself experiencing great relief from a burden I have placed on myself because I believed a lie that I am not even sure where it has come from.  It has given me permission to break out of a type of bondage I have been trapped in for so long that I don't even remember when it started.  I am not even sure I know how to break out of this figure out how to need only God thinking.  The good news if that my creator knows and He delights in teaching me.

As I have been talking with my Heavenly Father and sharing with him the regret, the pain, and the longing in my heart, I am noticing somethings that are have been hard to admit to myself.  How long has it been since I have been a part of a body of believers who honors Hebrews 10:22-25?  I have not felt like I have been challenged, spurred on, built up, or even had a sense common purpose for years at church.  I can not ignore that.  I have struggled to connect with a few friends that I do have that we challenge, spur on, and we do have common purpose.  I wonder if part of it is not finding it in church for at least a decade.  I have started trying to get a group of women together to build this.  There are three of us moms and I am praying the Lord will build this in us.  I am trusting that God will supply this need in my heart and in the hearts of these other women as well.

I realize that at least part of the emptiness I am feeling is from not being in someone's mind, heart, or prayers. There is definitely a God shaped hole in each of us that can only be filled by God.  Then I believe the Lord gave us holes that are to be filled by others as well.  How can we be the hands and feet of Jesus if we don't work together.  How can we work together if we don't have relationship, if we don't fellowship.  It is time we quit viewing fellowship as sitting and hearing a sermon or fellowship as playing golf together.  These are all part of fellowship, but they are not it's entirety.  Fellowship means getting involved in each others messes and not gossiping about them.  It means supporting one another.  It means challenging thoughts or actions.  It means praying for and with each other.  It means rejoicing with each other, crying with each other.  It means having some things in common, as well as having some differences.  Fellowship is all of these things and so much more.  Furthermore remember that Scripture commands us to live in fellowship with one another.  So lets work together, eat together, pray together... Basically lets do life on this earth together because God made us to need each other.