Victim No More

As times became hard for my family I became desperate for someone to understand me. To understand what I was going through. There are many well meaning people or others who may were not so well meaning and just wanted me to leave them alone possibly. Anyway, I often for whatever reason kept have the scripture, "But one thing I do, Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which Christ has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." found in Philippians 3:13-14.

I remember so many times thinking, "Move ahead to what?" I saw no end in sight to the suffering my family was going through. Then even after my husband's brain surgery and life for our family was improving I still could not seem to see that first of all things were getting better or second of all that there was any hope for my family. I believed we were hopelessly down for the count. I would agonize over this passage because I truly want to live Biblically. Then one day I was reading and a sentence for verse 15 jumped off the page at me. Verse 15b says, "And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you." I decided at that point that I was going to talk to God about the fact that I was seeing things differently.

It was not long later that during some study of another passage it occured to me that, yes my family and I had become vicitms in the past, but I did not rise above it. Instead I developed a victim mentality. I realized I was going to continue to be victimized as long as I saw myself as a victim. Then I realized while looking at another passage that one of the big ways I kept this vicitm mentality going was that I kept running away from the things that I am afraid of. Instead I need to run straight at it and face the things I am afraid of otherwise I will be held hostage to those things. I needed to overcome. So I resolved that I would overcome. I started facing at least one each week. It is so nice to finally be finding freedom again. I am looking forward to what the Lord has in store now.

The Power of Encouragement

I hope that I don't ramble. Having trouble sleeping tonight and decided to do a blog entry.

Recently my husband began going through a period of discouragement. It seemed to run deep for him and he was saying somethings that totally spooked me. He wanted to give up. There were also some people providing discouragement for Vic during these last couple of weeks. The pain seemed to run so deep for him. It also did not help that we have been experiencing a sever heatwave with dangerously hot temperatures which is not good for a man who sits on a mower all day long.

During times of vulnerability is the time Satan seems to attack. Scripture does say that he roams the earth like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. My husband was vulnerable and so Satan saw opportunity. It seemed like every time we turned around equipment was broken or else some mishap or another would happen. Then there was one person in particular who would hurl hurtful and insulting things at my husband daily. Vic would try to avoid the man, but in a small town that is not always possible.

Vic would come home and at first was distant. The boys and I knew Vic was having a hard time so we decided to pray for him a lot and make our home the one place he could come to hear encouraging statements. In a short time Vic started opening up to me. I resolved that no matter what he said to me I was going to be positive and calm-- even if freaked me out and many of the things he said did.

It was a few days later when Vic apologized to me. He apologized for the years he did not offer emotional support when I hurt so badly that I wanted to die. He apologized for yelling at me when I cried. He went even further and has started offering me encouragement and emotional support. This has been healing for him, for me, and for our marriage. The Lord has turned the whole thing around to something good. We are connecting in ways we never have as a couple. We are a much stronger unit as a result. I already see a difference in our sons. For me personally it ripped open wounds that were not truly healed (they were wounds that needed my husband's support and love in order to heal)and now they are beginning to heal.

Encouragement is a powerful tool that the Lord uses. Encouragement can keep one going when one wants to quit. Encouragement brings people closer together. Encouragement can also keep some from walking away from the Lord. Encouragement helps us to grow. So look around and see who you might be able to provide encouragement to today. You have no idea what great things might happen as a result.

Self-esteem vs. True humility

I have been tossing around in my mind what to blog about. There have so many good blogable ideas. Should I blog about Seeking First His Kingdom, the value of motherhood, my homecoming with the boys, or what I think is a better answer for self-esteem? After much dilemna and prayer I have decided to blog about the self-esteem -- the lie that has plagued our society and infiltrated the church. This blog was inspired by a personal eye opening experience that happened for me this week in my own relationship with the Lord.





As a Christian who has been working in the mental health field for a while now I have had to grapple with some issues that could compromise faith. I vowed to put my theology before my psychology from the beginning. I made it a point to never go against scripture in any of my counseling interventions. I might not have always been able to quote chapter and verse, but would have a Biblical basis for any intervention I would utilize. That served me well for eight and a half years. Even though I have stopped doing therapy I still have a few things to say about self-esteem.





This week I was watching a Veggie Tales video with Caleb and Simeon-- God Made You Special. At the end of this video there is a story about snoodles. Snoodles are created instead of being born. When they appear they are given the gifts that their creator intends for them to use in the purpose each one was intended to accomplish. One snoodle apparently was given some gifts that were different and so the other snoodles would draw pictures of him that put him down. As each picture was drawn the little snoodle would accept the picture and put it in his backpack. After a while the snoodle started to feel like he was a worthless snoodle. So he left. As he journeyed others added negative pictures to his pack which by this point was pretty heavy. Then as he continues on his journey he encounters his creator. The snoodle's creator had the little snoodle throw away all the other pictures that had been weighing him down. The Creator gave him a new picture of him to put in the backpack-- a picture of how the Creator sees the snoodle. This picture shows a strong, free, and happy snoodle who is doing what he was created to do. Then the Creator tells the snoodle that the only picture he needs in his backpack is this new picture. When the snoodle accepts this new picture he is free, he can fly, and he is much happier.





I have never been able to lead a self-esteem group or counsel in the area of self-esteem in the way the books I have read have suggested because I do not find it Biblical. If we look inside ourselves to find our value then we don't find what we need to develop this "self-esteem". Our value does not come from ourselves. It comes from our loving, heavenly Father who created us. It HIS view of us that we need to be grasping, not some illusion of how good we are. The illusion we create for ourselves is first of all not accurate and second of all unstable. One minute the things we have used to find our value or "self-esteem" are there, but the next minute they could be gone. However, God's view of us is constant. His love for us is unconditional. Therefore, HIS view of each one of us is never going to change. So we can count on it and should base our value on that instead of the illusionary "self-esteem".





This ironically is also the solution to pride as well. If we each gain a view of how God sees us then we will not see ourselves too highly or too low. That is true humility. When I was in YWAM they taught my DTS class that humility is seeing ourselves the way God sees us. So instead of trying to gain self-esteem perhaps we should be asking God for true humility.





What can we learn from this snoodle mentioned above. Perhaps that we should each individually ask our creator for a picture of how he sees us. He values us so much that he sent his one and only son Jesus to die a gruesome, cruel death in order for us to have forgiveness for our sins. If we are that important then our value must be very high. Neil T. Anderson has a list of things that show our value and are in each individual picture God has of his children. The list goes as follows:





I am God's child (John 1:12).


I am a friend of Christ (John 15:15).


I have been justified (Romans 5:1).


I am united with the Lord and am one with him in spirit (I Corinthians 6:17).


I have been bought with a price and I belong to God (I Corinthians 6: 19-20).


I am a member of Christ's body (I Corinthians 12:27).


I have been chosen by God and adopted as his child (Ephesians 1:3-8).


I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins (Colossians 1:13-14).


I am complete in Christ (Colossians 2:9-10).


I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ (Hebrews 4:14-16).


I am free from condemnation (Romans 8:1-2).


I am assured that God works for good in all my circumstances (Romans 8:28).


I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God (Romans 8:31-39).


I have been established, annointed, and sealed by God (2 Corinthians 1:21-22).


I am hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:1-4).


I am confident that God will complete the good work he started in me (Philippians 1:6).


I am a citizen of heaven (Philippians 3:20)


I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love, and sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).


I am born of God and the evil one can not touch me (I John 5:18).


I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of his life (John 15:5).


I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit (John 15:16).


I am God's temple (I Corinthians 3:16).


I am a minister of reconciliation for God (2 Corinthians 5:17-21).


I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm (Ephesians 2:6).


I am God's workmanship (Ephesians 2:10).


I may approach God with freedom and confidence (Ephesians 3:12).


I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).

This list is in the book The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson. He also has a ministry titled Freedom In Christ Ministries. The website is http://www.ficm.org/.


This week as I was watching the video with my children I realized that I somehow had lost the picture God had drawn that shows how he sees me. At one point I felt pretty confident in the Lord and his unconditional love for me. However, at some point I have lost sight of it and started doing what this little snoodle did and started accepting others pictures of me. I just knew I disappointed everyone and that no one liked me-- even though that is not true. I have found myself longing for someone's approval and acceptance. However, no matter how much approval or acceptance others have given me I still have felt insecure, lost, and alone. I realized that I have been holding on to negative thoughts and comments about me and have been vulnerable to the opinions of others. This is not a good place to be for many reasons. One reason is that others opinions change all the time. The second is that others opinions are not always accurate. However, the most important reason is that no matter how much another person approves of me it will never satisfy what I am longing for-- that is God's approval and acceptance. Ironically, I have been looking for approval and acceptance, but have had it the whole time from the Lord. Like I said before no matter how much approval and accpetance I recieve from others it will never satisfy the deepest longings of my heart-- only God can. So I like that snoodle have accepted pictures of myself that are not true. So I am letting go of them and allowing God to draw my portrait as he sees me. Sometimes this will be easy-- other times difficult, but no matter what it will meet my deepest needs and give me true humility instead of the very much unsatisfying self-esteem.

DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTED

"I know it was a disappointment and you are well acquainted with those." The words from a friend's message on Facebook stung, but they are true. The fact is I have become acquainted with disappointment these last few years. My family lost a lot-- our home, our credit rating, many friends, a business, financial security, a baby, and many other things. I remember one particularly painful day when my husband and I pawned our wedding rings to buy food and diapers for the kids. I have grown so used to disappointment that I did not recognize this one until my friend pointed it out.

Disappointments can wear on a person after a while if not dealt with. Let's face it, the world is full of disappointment. Every single person will eventually face it at one time or another. However, it is not the disappointment that leads to demise, but how it is dealt with that matters.


I wish I could say that I have always dealt with disappointment in the right way, but I haven't. I have stumbled and fallen, but I serve a gracious, loving heavenly father who faithfully guides me back to the right path. As I have followed along in this journey I have learned a few things.


REACTING VS. RESPONDING

Whenever we face disappointment we have a choice to react or respond. When we react we act without considering what we should be ding. We don't reason, consider, or pray about what to do. Instead we act first and consider later. Reacting lets our emotions dictate our choices as opposed to our rational thinking.

Responding takes an act of the will (self-control) to not act right away. When responding it is good to step back to look at the facts, consider the pros and cons, and pray about the situation. I have found that using scripture helps me guide my responses. One of my favorite scriptures to use when screening my responses is the Fruit of the Spirit found in Galatians. Will this action promote love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control? If the answer is no then I typically choose another response. This has become a sort of litmus test for me when choosing responses. Whatever ways you choose to go about the process of considering how to respond if you let the Lord lead he will guide you to the correct response. Typically when I make a mistake it is because I reacted when I should have responded.


OUR SOURCE


One lesson I have learned the hard way is to keep in perspective that there are some things people can not do for us that only God can. I did not realize I was making this mistake until the Lord led me through some trials that revealed this sin to me. We need to remember that God is the source of everything we need. One of the reasons I think it is so easy to start expecting our fellow brothers and sisters in the Lord to do things in our lives that only the God can do is because of how God uses people to minister in our lives. We are supposed to pray for each other, encourage one another, be supportive of each other, as well as comfort one another. The problem occurs when we start depending on our fellow Christians more than on the Lord. This can happen so subtly that one does not even realize. Staying connected to the Lord and allowing him to convict your heart is a good way to guard against this.


This is important to remember because I have seen many Christians who appeared to be committed fall away from the Lord after being disappointed by others in the church. I have seen it time and time again. A believer goes to others in the church without ever talking to the Lord about their situation. When those fellow church members can't provide what the believer thinks he needs then he moves on to another church member, and on to another until this individual decides there is something wrong with Christians and the church then proceeds to fall away from the Lord. Reality is that every single one of us is a fallen, frail human being who has no hope without the grace of our Lord Jesus. We set ourselves up for great disappointment when we look to frail humans to do what only God can do.


SELF-PITY


Scripture tells us in Philippians 2:4 to look out for not only our own needs, but the needs of others as well. This is in stark contrast to our what's-in-it-for-me culture. One of the dangers of this way of thinking is that one gets so focused on self that we don't notice what is going on in the lives of others. Then when disappointment is added to the mix we become so focused on our own pain and start feeling sorry for ourselves. Self-pity is highly toxic in this life. Father Martin during one of his chalk talks that self-pity is a luxury the alcoholic can ill afford. This is true not just for the alcoholic living in recovery but also for the rest of us as well. Our disappointments are deepened when we practice self pity in our lives.We tend to shut others out, become lonely, and isolate ourselves. This becomes a downward spiral that leads only to trouble.


Philippians 2:4 offers the perfect solution because it forces us to look at those around us. It breaks the isolation and leads to God's design where we mutually minister to each other. As we mutually minister to each other and look to God as our source, he brings the healing we long for.


FORGIVENESS


We also need to forgive those we view as responsible for our disappointments. Forgiveness is an accounting issue. It means to erase a debt from the books. When it comes to disappointment it is an emotional accounting issue. Disappointment causes pain. When we experience pain we often feel someone is to blame for our pain. There is then a tendency to decide that the person owes us something. This is simply human nature. When we forgive we make a conscious choice to let go of the "debt".


There are some who believe that this takes away all the pain. This has not been my experience. One of my friends said this about forgiveness. When forgiveness is needed there are two issues-- an insult and an injury. Forgiveness takes care of the insult, but the injury can not be dealt with until the insult is forgiven.


If forgiveness does not take away the pain, then what do we do with the pain after forgiving? It seems sometimes in the church we are afraid of this question. At least that is the conclusion I come to based on some of the answers I have recieved when asking. Often it seems we are afraid of emotions in the church. I am not sure why that is. God made us, he made emotions, and he made us emotional creatures.


Jesus openly shared his emotions at the Garden of Gethsemane. "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death (Mark 14:34)." A little further down the passage and we see Jesus crying out to God the Father sharing his emotions. If it is okay for Jesus to experience and express his emotions then what is wrong with us sharing out emotions? Are we better equipped to deal with emotions than Christ? I should say not. We are being prideful when we adapt the attitude that we should not experience emotions (particularly negative ones). Jesus was 100% God and 100% man. If it was okay for Jesus to share his emotions then it is okay for us as people who are 100% human and 0% God to share our emotions. Since we are to model our lives after Jesus, then it is fitting for us to pour out our emotions to God.



At the feet of Jesus is the only place we will find healing for our emotions. One thing I have learned is that God is bigger than anything I am dealing with. When it comes to pain we need to face it, let ourselves feel it, then tell God about it. After that we need to trust him to provide healing and solutions to the situations we face.

God sees our pain, sees all that we need and sees how it all fits into the big picture. His compassion does not end. Mine does, but his doesn't. He is there with us and does not leave us in the midst of our pain. Lamentations 3:22-26 says, "Because of the Lord's great love for us we are not consumed, vor his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait patiently for him. Isaiah also says, "The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him it is good to wait for him." It is good to wait for the salvation of the Lord.



If we allow the pain to come and lean into the Lord, he sees exactly what we need provides comfort and healing and wisdom. We can trust that God is faithful and working everything out for our good (Romans 8:28). God has good plans for us and he will work those plans out (Jeremiah 29:11) He will restore you. Sometimes it happens quickly, but more often his restoration is a process that happens over time. You can trust him to complete his good works (Philippians 1:6).



While going through the healing process it helps to set our minds on Christ. He will bring peace in the midst of pain if we believe and trust in him. Setting our minds on Christ is the last thing our emotions want us to do. If we want to experience the peace that passes all understanding(Philippians 4:4-7) then we must make a conscious choice to trust the Lord. Isaiah 26: 3 says, "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you." We must train our minds to trust in the Lord (Romans 8:1-2).

The Lord is with us when we go through disappointment. Scripture says he will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5-6). Isaiah also says we are engraved on the palms or his hands and our walls are ever before him (Isaiah 49:16). We are never for even a second out of his sight so we can never get away from his love and protection. Scripture also has another promise, "A bruised read he will not break, a smoldering wick he will not snuff out" (Isaiah 42:3). We can trust God when we are afraid or have doubts. We need to run to him, sit on his lap, and experience his love and comfort because he has promised to be there.

One of my favorite passes of scripture is found in Psalms 139. I this passage it says, "All the days ordained for me were written before one of them came to be." The Lord know the beginning from the end (as well as all points in between). He is not surprised by our disappointments. He has a plan for our lives and often uses disappointment to accomplish his purposes. Sometimes he takes our disappointment and turns it into something better then we were anticipating in the first place. Other times our disappointment is his way of protecting us from something. We just don't know and God is not obligated to tell us. Therefore, wince God's character is trustworthy we need to trust God with our disappointments.

If we choose to run to the open arms of our loving heavenly father in the midst of our disappointment, then we will find comfort, hope, and healing. The choice is yours. However, for me it is summed up best in Joshua 24:15, "As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord" even in the midst of disappointment.