God Does Hear

The last couple of days I have been talking to the Lord about the fact that I have been discouraged for so long and that I have not been able to shake it. Nothing seemed to break through. I shared this with my husband last night as well. Then this morning during my devotion time I asked the Lord to please break through my discouragement and to give me hope and joy. I was tired of trying to think positive, think about good things, throw off negative thinking, and the struggle was wearing on me. So I simply told the Lord about it. I found it to be amazing that the very same morning the visiting pastor spoke on the exact answer to request I had asked of the Lord 3 hours earlier.

God does hear our prayers. He does care. It had been a long time since I have been able to believe that without having to work hard to make myself believe it. I remember at the darkest time in my life being told by church leaders that the Lord did not care about me because I did not follow the exact set of rules that this man was telling me. He had no idea what damage he did to my spirit that day. I was already saying I was struggling to find God in my situation, I was struggling to know what to do and my prayers did not seem to go any higher than the ceiling. I needed to be reminded that God loves me, that he cares, but instead I was told that I was not acceptable to the Lord. This put a block between the Lord and I. I no longer was able to enter into rest or peace with the Lord. I doubted my ability to know what the Holy Spirit was telling me. It left room for discouragement to grow into a big ugly monster. I have been healing and the Lord has been breaking through these walls. He does care. He does hear our prayers, our thoughts, our questions, and he does answer them. So if you are discouraged like I have been remember that God does hear and he does care. He promises us never to leave us or forsake us. So hold onto that promise and let the Lord unfold the answers in front of you.

Perfectionism

As I have entered a new chapter in my life I am discovering healing and am learning things I either did not know about myself or did not understand fully how those things affected me and my family. Being a perfectionist is one of them. I have always lived by the moto that if you do something than you do it right or you don't do it at all. That in and of itself is not a bad thing. However, for a Type A, driven, and many times high strung person like I have a tendency to be this is not always a good thing either. This last week I have realized that I have set standards for myself that were extremely high. Many times they were too high. If it was something that was impossible to do I have always seemed to believe I should be able to do it and many times have.

Recently though I find myself asking at what cost have I done these things, was it worth the price I had to pay, and am I still willing to pay that price now. The answer to these questions are that I have paid a high price. Sometimes it has been worth it, but most of the time probably not. Also I am no longer willing to pay the price.

Part of the price has been consequences to my family. As a person who sets too high of expectations on myself, I have also placed too high of expectionations on my husband, children, and often times friends. How many friends have I lost along the way because I placed too high of an expectation on them, they did not live up to it, and then we were both hurt. Then I think of the rejection my husband and children must feel sometimes because no matter how hard they try I have set this bar so high they can not possibly reach it. How ugly this part of me can be sometimes. It affects my health. How many of my health issues could be linked to the stress I put on myself with these expectations of me. Then the uncomfortableness from the lack of sleep for all the nights I did not sleep enough. Worst of all-- even worse than what my husband and children have likely suffered over this fault of mine is how it has affected my relationship with God. How many times have I placed an expectation on him, then God's plan was something different than mine so I got upset or angry with him. How much has this fault hurt my Heavenly Father? How often in my anger and disappointment did I push away his desires for intimacy with me? This had to have broken his heart.

I have been pondering this for a while and talking to the Lord about these things. As I have done this some of my perspectives have been changing. First of all I used to hold all the impossible accomplishments as kind of a badge of honor and was proud of all the busyness and nights with only 4-5 hours of sleep or even less. I am no longer proud of these things. I don't see those as things to be identified by anymore.

Instead I am taking a few new approaches to change since I took this perfectionism and high expectations into my new found life while becoming a stay at home wife and mother. I have decided to make a few changes. First of all I will only allow myself to work on house things for one hour after the children are in bed whatever doesn't get done, doesn't get done. Second, I will take time to make sure I listen to my children instead of demanding they meet the expections I have of them all the time. I need to make sure they know that I love them even if they totally mess up and blow it big time. The same with my husband. Then I also will set a bed time for myself and follow it so that I do get a full nights sleep. If I don't rest I am going to be much more grouchy and will be more inclined to fall back into the habits and mindset I am trying to break. Then for right now I am going to use disposable dishes. In the past I would not allow myself the luxury of paper plates or plastic silverware unless there was a picnic, but I think for a while they will be common place. If I can reduce the amount of dishes I have to wash then I will have less stress. I do fit in time with the Lord in my day, but when I find that nagging that I have not been good enough for him. I plan to stop and remind myself that it is in what Christ did at calvary and nothing that I can do to make myself loveable or acceptable to the Lord. May be a new woman will emerge out of all of this. We will see.

Hard Things

It seems like days are long at our house right now-- of course it is mowing season. Last night I was so tired that I went to bed and decided to get up early to pack things for Caleb's Tiger Cub Day Camp-- it lasts for 2 days and tomorrow is the first day. He has been looking forward to this for a while. This is also VBS week at our church so things have been pretty hectic, not to mention that we have not established a routine yet with my being at home with the boys now. So needless to say my being awake at 3am right now was not welcome.

I woke up to get a drink of water and then had a realization. This realization keeping me awake when I should be sleeping, you would think it would be some great huge morsel of wisdom, but it is simply-- It is okay to say things are hard.

This simple nugget means a lot to me right now. It means letting go of years of pretending or at least trying to pretend. It means that I now have some insight as to some of my low frustration tolerance. My frustration tolerance did not used to be low, but these last few years it has been and I have not really been sure why. Admitting first of all that life has been hard and secondly that it is okay to say that it is hard is like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I also realize that I so badly want a break from the hardness of life. A day or two to rest and recharge to face the hard. That is not likely to happen, but now I can at least say that I want it. I have not been able to admit something like that to myself for years.

If you read my last post I realized that I have accepted others pictures of me and let go of God's picture of me. Now I am letting go of those old picture and allowing God to draw a picture of how he sees me and replacing all the old pictures. I realize tonight that I am letting go of an old picture some one gave me. When Caleb was a couple of months old I was still adjusting to motherhood as many moms still are at that point in the life of their first child, when I suggested I needed a break. This got turned into something entirely different by the person I was talking to. According to this woman I was abandoning my husband and child. How dare I need a break. She further told me that I no longer had any right to have any needs of my own because I was now a mother. Somehow I was to be invinsible, made of steel, and could no longer have any rights as a human being.

I was vulnerable at that point. My husband was ill with epilepsy, my baby was demanding (as babies tend to be), I was working full time, and now was experiencing post partum blues. Then add on top of that guilt that I was struggling with things being hard. I stopped admitting it to myself that day. I decided that somehow I had to be made of steel from that point on. However, the truth is I am not made of steel and I have only deteriorated on the inside from this. I have felt like a humongous failure as a result of not being able handle everything as if it were nothing and easy. So now tonight I admit that things are hard and I feel the weight life.

Then I think about a lesson I have been teaching Caleb. We are supposed to do hard things. I still agree with this. I am still to tackle the things in life that are in front of me, but it is okay to admit the truth that it is hard as I face them. It is only when I admit that something is hard can I then release it to the Lord and let Him take the situation. Only when I admit that it taxes my strengths and abilities and my energy level can He give me His perfect strength. Admitting is pretty powerful it allows us the opportunity to surrender to the Lord. If we don't admit an issue we can not surrender it. So tonight I admit that life is hard and I surrender this to the Lord. I let go of the picture handed to me saying I must be made of steel or I am inadequate. I accept whatever picture God chooses to give me. I have no idea if I will ever get a morning to sleep in or weekend alone with my husband that I feel I need to recharge my batteries, but I do know God is all sufficient and will provide all I need to manage and have victory over the things ahead of me.

Decay

Recently I gave notice and resigned from my position as substance abuse/ mental health therapist. I realized I could not do the work right now. It has been a long journey. Truly I have been in emotional pain for years. It started when my husband's grand mal seizures returned 8 years ago. The problem was that I could not seem to find the right emotional or spiritual support while all of this was going on. We experienced personal crisis on many levels at the same time. During that whole time I knew I was suffering but I had a choice to deal with the emotions inside of me or to make sure my family had a roof over their heads, keep the heat on, as well as have food to eat. The problem is that pushing the emotions to the side did not deal with them. There has simply been a collection of emotions building. Well, something recently happened that made it so something inside of me said my family was finally safe. So, those emotions came flooding in on me. I discovered something-- I really did not see how weak I had become over the years. I realized I had burnt out as a therapist a long time ago, but still kept on going. Then I started to realize I did not have the emtional energy or strength to take care of my family in the way I feel that they deserve. I also discovered that I am not sure of who I am any more. I am not sure of many things and it hurts-- it hurts so badly that sometimes I do not know if I can go on. I am finishing out my time in my therapist position and was at a staff meeting yesterday when we talked about therapist burnout. One of the therapist said that psychotherapist burnout is not the same as in other professions it a type of decay. That explained a lot to me of how I have been feeling. Burnout in my profession decays away at everything in your life-- physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I find myself hurting in all those areas. Then when I looked at the causes of this burnout I realize that the crises my family went through combined with the long hours I had to work part of that time (at one time I had to work 95 hours a week)and then the fee for service type of reimbursement at the community mental health agency which comes with a much too heavy workload at times. So I see that really I am not abnormal. As I see this I am encouraged-- I see that there is hope. Combine this with Sunday at church one sentence of the sermon struck such a cord with me I could not seem to move on to the rest of the sermon. Our pastor is preaching on the Book of Jonah. He said that if we are experiencing the chastisement of the Lord we know it. During one of my most confusing, painful, vulnerable, and lonely times in my life I was told (by one of the leaders at the church we were attending back then) that I must have committed a terrible sin for God to be so displeased with me that I would find myself in the circumstances I was in. Then I was told further that no matter what I did I would not please God. Talk about taking away all hope. It was as if for the rest of my life I would be unpleasable to my Heavenly Father whom I had given my whole life to. The one I was looking forward to hearing tell me at the end of the age, "Well done good and faithful servant." I had been praying and following what I sensed He was leading me to do. Now I was a disappointment to him and there was no way I would be anything but a disappointment for the rest of my life. Talk about disheartened and discouraged. I started asking and begging God to tell me what sin I had committed so that I could repent and turn from it. However, for years He did not reveal this sin to me. For years the Lord kept leading me to this one passage and I did not understand-- it was like I was blind and could not see it. About 2 weeks ago I finally grasp it-- the passage talked about the Lord taking care of my family and that he was not angry with me. Then with that statement in the pastor's sermon I realize that I did not go through these things as a chastisement from the Lord. I did not need to continue to spend time searching for the great sin I had committed that my whole family suffered from. It does not exist or God would have told me. I am not saying that I am perfect and do not commit sins that would be a lie. However, I can trust my Heavenly Father to lovingly reveal sins to me and then I can respond appropriately. I also realized that it was not my fault my family has been on this journey. The Lord does have a plan for those circumstances of that I am confident, but it is not for the purpose of chastisement or He would have already told me. That decay statement from the staff meeting yesterday has helped me to see that my life has decayed and put words to how I feel-- like a rusted out car. A rusted car that has been decaying for a number of years. I feel like I belong in the junk heap sometimes. However, I sense the Holy Spirit break through and say that instead of the junk heap I belong in the auto shop of the Great Mechanic. Apparently I learned from Vic that the rusted parts on a car can be repaired with bondo and that if the technician is skilled enough that it would look as if the damage never happened. So I am putting myself in the shop of the Great Mechanic to see what he does with me. Maybe he plans to make some changes in who I was before, may be he is going to replace some parts and make them better than ever. Who knows. What I do know is that maybe I have decayed, but that in the hands of my Heavenly Father that decay is not a problem. I also realize that I can still hear "Well done good and faithful servant" one day at the end of time.

Stone of just the right size

Today I was watching this video and one line stood out. It was as if I had never heard it before even though I have heard this song a million times. I wanted to listen to this song because I recently I realized that I have allowed myself to tell myself and believe many things that simply are not true. As I have been praying and trying to sort through I had this the desire to look this video up on You Tube. As I listened is when the line, "And the stone was just the right size to put the giant on the ground." I reviewed some of my life's history that I struggle with as well as some transitions that my family is beginning to take. It brought me some peace. When David fought Goliath with his sling and a stone it did not look good for David, but he was following God's call and his plan. God was faithful and provided David with just the right size stone to knock Goliath out. That is amazing--of all the stones that could have been available God provided a stone just the right size for the task at hand. Do you ever doubt God? I wish I didn't, but I do sometimes. I am so glad God is loving with me. Then I started thinking about some times in my life that things did not look favorable for my family and God provided stones of just the right size. We had been financially ruined and could no longer afford our home so decided that selling it would be better than foreclosure. The timing could not have been worse. The housing market bubble had burst and houses were not selling. However, we sensed the Holy Spirit leading us to put our house on the market. Less that 24 hours after the For Sale sign went up in the yard the original owner of the house drove through the neighborhood. He was moving back to the area and decided to drive through his former neighborhood. When he saw the house he had originally had built he decided he had to take a look at it. He made an offer the next day and the house sold. God provided a stone of just the right size to conquer that giant. Another time is from that same season. The sale of that house was going to be in 5 days. Our credit had been demolished so we could not find anyone to rent to us. It was five days before we had to be out of our house that someone agreed to rent to us. They wanted a large deposit that we didn't have. So we prayed and had a yard sale. A friend of mine had come to visit and she brought a cash gift that brought us closer to our goal, but we were still over $1000 away from the money we needed. Then a man came to look at one of the bicycles we were selling. He said he needed to go home to get the money. He came back with a check for the exact amount of money we needed. He explained that he sense the Holy Spirit leading him to write the check for that amount, but he did not know who it was supposed to be for. When he was looking at the bike he sensed the Holy Spirit tell him it was us who he was to make the check out to. Then we explained our situation and that it was the exact amount of money we still needed. We were facing giants and God once again provided a stone of just the right size. Then I think about my husband's seizure disorder and learning disabilities. These were huge giants that held him back and caused a lot of heartache for our family. The Lord arranged for us to see another doctor. This led to brain surgery. My husband was delivered from both epilepsy and learning disabilities and is now doing things he had not been able to do before. God sent a stone of just the right size. There are many other stories in my life where God provided just the right sized stone for the particular problem or giant we were facing. He promises in scripture to never leave or forsake us. We can count on those promises. Right now our family is in the process of making a big change. I have recently been struggling with some of the things that will happen because of these changes-- fear of the unknown. I have struggle with this insecurity, but I suddenly found strength and courage as that line of the song encourages me. If the Lord provided David with a stone of the right size and in the past has provided me with stones of the right size. I can count on Him to provide stones of the right size as I face the future. He is faithful and promises to care for us.

Healing Realization

I shared just a couple of days ago that I had a large meltdown. I also shared some a painful story from years ago when someone said pretty cruel things to me the day I found out I had miscarried a child. I have been trying to figure out why after 8 years I would still have this much grieving going on. I did process the loss, but I seem to go back to this every year. It occurred to me yesterday while I was cooking that this memory is not grief over losing a child. I am sad when I think about Robin Lee, but not devastated any longer. I will never be happy about it and on this side of heaven I do not think I will ever understand why it happened, but I have accepted it. However, I am realizing that up to that point I had always had a strong prayer and support network. That day I felt like I lost that love and support. Also from that point in mine and Vic's lives things got worse-- exponentially worse. The responses from several other Christians in our lives also got exponentially worse-- there were also some that we supportive, but I was pretty blinded by my pain. However, I was blind sided by that woman's statement that night and many others over other situations as well. I realized that what I lately what I have been grieving is the loss of support. It was that night I started to retreat to my island. There were times I would reach out to get off of that island, but hurt seemed to loom there so I would retreat back.

I have missed the safety of supportive Christian people who encouraged and lifted me up when I needed it. I lost that at a time when I needed it so desperately-- some from my own fears and others by actual repsonses from others. After a while the risk of the pain got to be too much so I did not really try to reach out any more.

Two weeks ago I got a healing gift back-- tears. I had not been able to really cry other than a couple of isolated incidents at a couple of church services. Now 8 years later I can cry. I have had plenty to cry about in those 8 years and my not being able to cry stopped a lot of the healing process for me. I have cried a lot in the last two weeks. As I have cried I am finding there is peace and healing behind my tears as well as some understanding and realizing things. I am also finding that I am once again surrounded by loving Christian supportive people.

I think now I can stop pretending I am okay at times when I am not okay-- not wearing emotions on my shirt sleeve either. I think I can learn to once again be true and vulnerable with safe people. I have missed that so much. Somehow the rest of my life does not seem so bad. I don't think my tearful time is entirely over, but I think I did turn a corner.

I hope to never take friendship and fellowship for granted.

Meltdown

I had a pretty large meltdown this weekend. Why is it that my whole household stops when I have an issue? We missed church this morning over it. It was a combination of things. First of all I have always had some tendency toward winter time blues. They were not so bad when I worked at the bank as drive up teller and had the big window to let the sunshine in. However, once I started working in the jail and then in an office building those blues have gotten worse. This has been a particularly difficult winter with less sunshine and so much more winter weather. This past week being trapped in the house without human interaction. Add to this that I am entering the anniversary date of my miscarriage.

The miscarriage process for me was a particularly hard time for me and was complicated by many other factors. The first one being the response of others to it as well as the fact that it happened just as Vic's seizures started. I have not been able to grieve either. Humans were not meant to swallow their emotions whole. Those emotions don't heal if they are not addressed either. One of the difficult things for me to deal with and was a precipitator of my meltdown was my remembrance of one of the responses to the loss of this child.

The day the doctor told us that we had lost the baby was a Wednesday. I wanted to go home and go to bed. Vic, however, insisted I go to church that night. That night is a blur to me. I think there were a couple of people who had some sympathetic responses to me that night, but honestly I don't remember much of that night. I do remember going to the women's Bible Study and sitting there in my stunned state. I did not say anything at all. I did not even cry. I was still in too much shock to cry. One woman walked up to me and told me that she had heard about what happened and she did not know why I was upset after all it wasn't a baby yet anyway.

That was a devastating blow to me at a time when I was pretty vulnerable. See even though at that time I was still in too much shock to be in touch with what I wanted or needed or even expected, I did expect and need somethings I was not going to get. I expected one of the older women at church to hug me, let me cry on thier shoulder, and that she would tell me to let it all out and that everything would be okay because I did not feel like things would be okay ever again. The next several years through many events that happened I have longed for another woman in the church to hug me, let me cry, and tell me everything would be okay. I did not get that support though instead I have had many hurtful, demeaning, and insulting things said to me.

I have often heard it said that Christians shoot their own wounded. What does it say to the hurting and dying world of unbelievers out their when we treat our own with disdain and cause more harm at a time when we need compassion and love. We need to lift each other up, get under each others burdens and carry them together. Then reach out to the hurting and dying world we live in. However, when we turn on each other we don't do that. We need to live compassionately and lovingly toward each other.

I had a good friend today who offered me support and acted as the arms of Jesus today. I am so blessed to now have found myself amongst a body of believers and community of homeschoolers who does such a good job of acting as the arms of Christ. Let us all make sure we act as Jesus would to those around us today.