Remembering Days Past-- February 11, 2003

Actually I should have posted this one yesterday. However, yesterday was so busy I did not have the opportunity.

February 11, 2003 was the day the doctor told me I was pregnant. It was a true surprise. I had been told I was not going to be able to get pregnant. I wanted children, but had come to peace with the fact that I was not going to have children. So, I had chosen a demanding career to invest that nurturing part of me into. So now to my total surprise here I was going to have a baby. This story does not have a happy ending though. Three days later I realized something was wrong. Then I was on and off of bed rest. The prognosis went from "We think you are going to lose this pregnancy" to "We think you are going to carry this pregnancy to term", then back to "We think you are going lose this pregnancy." It was an emotional roller coaster and the fact that the doctor's office staff kept referring to this child as a pregnancy only made it worse. I am prolife so to me that means this is a baby at the moment of conception-- not just a ball of cells as the doctor referred to this child.

Then on February 27th I lost the baby. I know a lot of women experience feelings of guilt when they have a miscarriage. This was not my experience-- I never felt like it was my fault. I did however feel angry and cheated. See I thought this was my one and only chance to have a baby and it was now gone. I was ticked at God over the matter. In my mind I was thinking things that in my mind were hypocritical. I wanted to know why God would do this to me. I had accepted the fact that I was not going to have children (even though I wanted children more than I wanted air to breathe) and so He allows me to get pregnant then takes the baby. How could God dangle a carrot in front of me like a Greyhound dog in a race? How could God tease me in such a cruel way? These were not the most theologically correct thoughts, but that was how I was feeling. Then to make matters worse I had 8 pregnant clients-- 7 of which got to have their babies and they did drugs in thier pregnancies. Why did they get to have their babies and I didn't? I had many why questions. I knew I was not going to get answers to them this side of heaven, but they were there. Then there were the empty arms to deal with. This was complicated by the fact that my husband's grand mal seizures had only returned the month before and that his seizures were escalating at that time and we had a huge financial blow at the same time.

I was so blinded by the pain. The pain does not completely leave-- there just comes an acceptance and over time moving on becomes easier. Since I can't see the future I did not know that I would have children. God knows our future and he knows best. That fact does not diminish the pain. Through losing this baby (whom we named Robin Lee) and then going on to have two children after being told that I could not have children has helped me come to learn that I can trust in the fact that God knows the beginning from the end of all matters. He can be trusted.

I have many times thought about what life would be like had Robin Lee been born. First of all we likely would not have Caleb. I would have been nursing Robin at the time Caleb was concieved so likely we would not have him and I can not imagine life without him. Then there were times before Caleb and Simeon were born that having an infant might have been more than I could bear. One of Vic's biggest seizures happened in September, 2003 and Vic was in the hospital for several days-- this would have been right at the time I would have been due to deliver. Then there was another time when off Pennyrile Parkway Vic had a seizure while I was driving us home from Thanksgiving. I am not sure how I would have handled a two month old in a hospital in a town I was not familiar with. There are other times when I get sad when I experience something with my boys and wonder how much joy having Robin Lee there would be. However, God felt she needed to be there with him and I needed to be here.

I do look forward to one day seeing her and I know my grandma and Vic's grandparents have gotten to know Robin.

One of the things I have learned through this is that God knows we are dust and that we are going to doubt. We are going to have questions and doubt sometimes. God is big enough for any doubt or question I will ever have. Some would say never to express or ask questions of God. I believe that he already knows that we have them so we might as well ask them. The problem comes when we hold too hard to our doubts and questions instead of holding with all our might to the Lord. If we hold too hard to our doubts and questions we let go of the Lord. He is the source of everything we need. So be open with the Lord, pour your heart out to him, but then hold on to him with all your might no matter what your painful situation is.